Letter from Una to Ray
You. You knew. I was weak, vulnerable. You just followed your…instincts. Couldn’t stop yourself. I didn’t see what was happening. Didn’t understand. It seemed to be fine…natural. But you knew. You knew that what you…what you did was wrong. Filthy. It all was planned. I was meant to fall under your trap. Your sick trap. You didn’t hesitate…just…just acted. I was touched, deceived, destroyed. You took me to places where…I felt lost. That’s what you wanted. I was confused and weak.
I still remember it. You…your hands…your noises. Do you remember it? I do. I …I couldn’t. Can’t. I can’t get rid of those memories. Because you. You were always there. I mean, there…Everywhere. Waiting for me. Looking for me. But what happened…it was…ours. You made me think so. I longed for you, every moment without you. I was anxious. You knew it. I was your maiden. Your accomplice. That doesn’t matter anymore…because you, you didn’t care. I was a body. A twelve-year-old body. Defenceless. Every time I saw you I’d… stop playing… thinking. Breathing.
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My innocence. Did you ever think of it? I changed. My whole life did. My friends, my family. They all judged me. Ignored my feelings. My parents thought…mental. But I’m not. They took me to the…nobody understood. You transformed me into…a loner. They looked down on me at…at the clinic. They talked to me as…as if I were different. I wasn’t. I, I don’t belong anywhere. Anywhere I go…the people. I can’t trust them. People who loved me. Could I ever? I’ve cried. At the beginning I…couldn’t stop. I was hurt. Inside.
I was empty. After the entire world turned against me, life, life never changed anymore. No one meant anything to me. Except…do you ever think about me? I’ve dreamt…of your strong arms. The hotel. My blood. My childhood. Was it ever mine? You never asked. I had hope, I had love, I had myself. Now, now it’s all gone. It’s all gone forever. I was left with fear. And tears. I’ve felt…humiliated. I don’t want to. To…to think I was…weak. A victim. I wanted it. You made me believe I wanted it.
But now, now I desire revenge. Justice. I daydream of…different ways. Choke you. Every morning. When I wake up. If you…if you could only feel what I felt like. You wouldn’t. It’d be different, because you, you don’t really have a family. Nobody to despise you. Sometimes, when I’m eating, I pick up the fork, thinking of you. It’s shiny. I remember I wanted to pull out your eyes. Poke them out, stamp on them, so that you could…experience. Regret, desire things to have been…different. To not happen. They told me I shouldn’t have…ill-feelings. Hatred.
But…deep inside. I just…rip your tongue off. Crush it with my feet. Your tongue. When we finished… you didn’t….you weren’t…I waited for you. Looked for you. At pubs, the countryside…nowhere. You were nowhere. You, you didn’t even try. For you, I was…not important. I, I’d screamed at…objects. You are…them in every shape. Every glance…on my back, but there’s no one…then I kept on…looking. Looking back…in vain.
I found out, eventually, you. You and your habits. They told me. What was I? I felt it was…real. Real. You should’ve looked for, older…similar. Not me…because then I…was the means. I just fulfilled your…requirements. Fresh skin, my wet lips. My small…everything. Did you not think I’d feel…treated as an object, used? I trusted…I thought…I was real. Special. Not just…someone. And it was all…all about your…disease. I’ve tried to…figure out why. To think differently. I failed. The more…every time I…I fail, because you never told me…what was going on. No explanation, and in the end you’ll never…you’ll always be there.
I didn’t…I don’t understand