Study Guide This study guide is not exhaustive, but please be familiar with the following information as you study. Be familiar with overall concepts, definitions, and also practical application. Additional space has been provided for you to take notes as you prepare for the exam. Note that exam questions will come solely from the course textbook. 1. Know the Signs of Lack of Boundaries and characteristics specific to each: Catching the Virus -Occurs when spouse doesn’t have good emotional boundaries with his/her family of origin I. When spouse comes into contact with family of origin, he/she may become: A.
Depressed B. Argumentative C. Self-critical D. Perfectionistic E. Angry F. Combative G. Withdrawn II. The family of origin has the power to affect the new family in a trickle-down effect. III. If your relationship with one person has the power to affect your relationships with others, you have a boundary problem. Second Fiddle -Occurs when the spouse hasn’t completed the “leaving before cleaving” process (Gen. 2:24) I. Spouse acts as if true allegiance is to parents. II. Leaves the other spouse and/or immediate family members despondent III.
Spouses must set clear boundaries with their families of origin. IV. Not doing so has resulted in the failure of many marriages. May I Have My Allowance, Please? Occurs when the spouse hasn’t completed the “leaving before cleaving” process (Gen. 2:24) I. Spouse acts as if true allegiance is to parents. II. Leaves the other spouse and/or immediate family members despondent III. Spouses must set clear boundaries with their families of origin. IV. Not doing so has resulted in the failure of many marriages. Mom, Where Are My Socks? – Perpetual Child Syndrome: A person is financially on his/her own, but allows his/her family of origin the perform certain life management functions * Mom and Dad are symbolically keeping their adult child from emotionally leaving home. * Often happens in friendly, loving families where things are so nice it’s hard to leave * Often, the adult child’s other relationships are dysfunctional. * For the adult child, finances are generally a problem. Three’s a Crowd – Triangulation Triangulation The failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides Boundary problem common in dysfunctional families
Is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other Scripture is very serious about dealing with conflict directly (Prov. 28:23, Lev. 19:17). Never say to a third party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person himself. Who’s the Child Here, Anyhow? – “Some people were born to take care of their parents. They did not sign up for this duty; they inherited it” (p. 135). A. These people are known as codependents. I. When parents are stuck in childish ways of irresponsibility, their children are unfairly forced to look out for them. II.
Codependents have a difficult time establishing boundaries between themselves and their irresponsible parents. III. Good boundaries prevent resentment. But I’m Your Brother I. Continuation of Old Boundary Problems A. The patterns you learn at home growing up are continued into adulthood with the same players: 1. Lack of consequences for irresponsible behavior 2. Lack of confrontation 3. Lack of limits 4. Taking responsibility for others instead of yourself 5. Giving out of compulsion and resentment II. Adoption B. We must come from under parental authority and put ourselves under God’s authority.
Know the Steps of Resolution of Boundary Problems with Family and their characteristics 1. Identify the symptom. 2. Identify the conflict. 3. Identify the need that drives the conflict. 4. Take in and receive the good. 5. Practice boundary skills. 6. Say no to the bad. 7. Forgive the aggressor. 8. Respond, don’t react. 9. Learn to love in freedom and responsibility, not in guilt. 2. Codependents 3. Boundary Conflicts I. Compliant / Aggressive Controller Boundary Conflicts: A. The compliant is unable to set clear limits. B. The aggressive controller is unable to respect the compliant’s limits. II.
Compliant/Manipulative Controller Boundary Conflicts C. The compliant is unable to say “no. ” D. The controller disregards the compliant’s boundaries. E. The controller does not take responsibility for his actions. III. Compliant/Nonresponsive Boundary Conflicts F. The compliant takes on too much responsibility for the friendship. G. The nonresponsive doesn’t take enough responsibility for the friendship. 4. Know the Questions about Friendship Boundary Conflicts and be able to identify aspects pertaining to each Aren’t Friendships Easily Broken? I. Most friendships have no external commitment (e. g. marriage, work, or hurch). A. Because of this, many believe that they are at a greater risk for dissolution when boundary conflicts arise. II. Two problematic assumptions: B. External institutions hold relationships together. C. Our commitments hold us together, not attachments. III. Actually, attachments hold relationships together—no one wants to be friends out of obligation or guilt. Love is the foundation of friendship What If My Closest Friends Are Family? I. Some people don’t think they need an intimate circle of friends besides their own parents and siblings. A. These people misunderstand the biblical function of family. II.
Young adults must leave the nest and connect to the outside world (Gen. 2:24). III. Staying emotionally locked in to the family of origin frustrates God’s purpose for your life. IV. No one can become a truly biblical adult without setting some limits, leaving home, and cleaving elsewhere. How Can I Set Limits with Needy Friends? I. Friendship does not consist of finding needy people and starting relationships with them. II. Some people would have no friendships if it weren’t for needy people, so they can’t say “no. ” III. We need to be comforted before we can comfort (II Cor. 1: 4). A. We must distinguish between friendship and ministry.
B. This means setting boundaries on our ministries so that we can be nurtured by friends. 5. Characteristics of a Marriage as related to Christ, boundaries and the husband/wife relationship Both husbands and wives are supposed to practice submission to each other (Eph. 5:21). Christ’s relationship with the church is a picture of how a husband and wife should relate (Eph. 5:24-27). Usually husbands who quote Eph. 5 turn their wives into slaves and condemn them for not submitting. Often, in these cases, the husband is trying to get his wife to do something that is either hurtful or takes away her will. We have never seen a ‘submission problem’ that did not have a controlling husband at its root. ” 6. Know how to Apply the Laws of Boundaries to Marriage * Feelings I. One must take responsibility for his/her own feelings. This promotes intimacy between two people. II. Feelings are a warning signal telling us we need to do something. III. Not dealing with hurt or anger can kill a relationship. * Desires I. Each spouse must take responsibility for their own desires, too. A. Ex: Jim and Susan (pp. 159-160) II. Problems arise when: B. We make someone else responsible for our needs and wants.
C. We blame others for our disappointments. D. Limits on What I Can Give III. Problems arise when we blame someone else for our own lack of limits. E. “Often, spouses will do more than they really want and resent the other for not stopping them from over-giving” (p. 161). IV. Other people are not the extension of our desires, and vice versa. V. The other person is not responsible for our limits; we are responsible. * Sowing and Reaping I. Often, an out-of-control spouse may not suffer the consequences of this behavior. II. Natural consequences are needed to resolve this. A.
Ex: A wife telling a husband that if he doesn’t stop yelling at her, she will go into another room. III. Sometimes, the “punished” spouse will call the other spouse’s actions “manipulative,” but this is not the case. IV. Natural consequences should fall on the shoulders of the responsible party. * Responsibility I. We must take responsibility for ourselves and have responsibility to others. A. Self-control and setting limits is responsibility for oneself. B. Confronting one’s partner shows responsibility to that person. II. Do not take responsibility for someone’s anger, pouting, or disappointments by giving in.
III. The most responsible behavior possible is usually the most difficult. * Power * Evaluation I. In evaluating the pain that your boundary setting causes your spouse, remember that love and limits go together. A. Wise and loving spouses will accept boundaries. B. Controlling, self-centered spouses will react angrily. II. Boundaries always deal with yourself, not others. C. Set boundaries to say what you will do and not do. III. Setting boundaries means giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him (or her) to take responsibility for his own behavior. * Exposure I.
In marriage, the need to reveal your boundaries is important. II. Passive boundaries are extremely destructive. A. Ex: Withdrawal, pouting, triangulation, affairs III. Passive ways of showing people that they do not control you never lead to intimacy. IV. Boundaries need to be communicated verbally first, and then communicated with actions. V. Each of the types of boundaries applies to marriage (pp. 165-166). * Submission I. Both husbands and wives are supposed to practice submission to each other (Eph. 5:21). II. Christ’s relationship with the church is a picture of how a husband and wife should relate (Eph. :24-27). III. Usually husbands who quote Eph. 5 turn their wives into slaves and condemn them for not submitting. A. Often, in these cases, the husband is trying to get his wife to do something that is either hurtful or takes away her will. IV. “We have never seen a ‘submission problem’ that did not have a controlling husband at its root. ” * Balance I. God has wired balance into every system, including marriage. II. Many dimensions must be balanced in a marriage. A. Power B. Togetherness C. Sex III. Problems arise when, instead of trading places in these areas, one spouse always has the upper hand.
IV. Boundaries help create mutual balance instead of split balance. * Resolution I. Inventory the symptom. II. Identify the specific boundary problem III. Find the origins of the conflict. IV. Take in the good. V. Practice. VI. Say no to the bad. VII. Forgive. VIII. Become proactive. IX. Learn to love in freedom and responsibility. 7. Feelings, Desires, and Limits on What I can Give Feelings I. One must take responsibility for his/her own feelings. This promotes intimacy between two people. II. Feelings are a warning signal telling us we need to do something. III.
Not dealing with hurt or anger can kill a relationship. Desires I. Each spouse must take responsibility for their own desires, too. A. Ex: Jim and Susan (pp. 159-160) II. Problems arise when: B. We make someone else responsible for our needs and wants. C. We blame others for our disappointments. Limits on What I Can Give I. Problems arise when we blame someone else for our own lack of limits. A. “Often, spouses will do more than they really want and resent the other for not stopping them from over-giving” (p. 161). II. Other people are not the extension of our desires, and vice versa. III.
The other person is not responsible for our limits; we are responsible. 8. Balance in Marriage (ingredients, dimensions, etc. ) I. God has wired balance into every system, including marriage. II. Many dimensions must be balanced in a marriage. A. Power B. Togetherness C. Sex III. Problems arise when, instead of trading places in these areas, one spouse always has the upper hand. IV. Boundaries help create mutual balance instead of split balance. 9. Know the Types of Boundaries as related to Marriage 10. Know the Resolution steps and characteristics * Resolution I. Inventory the symptom. II.
Identify the specific boundary problem III. Find the origins of the conflict. IV. Take in the good. V. Practice. VI. Say no to the bad. VII. Forgive. VIII. Become proactive. IX. Learn to love in freedom and responsibility. 11. Setting and receiving firm boundaries 12. The importance of Family I. God, at His deepest level, is a lover (I Jn. 4:8). II. The family is the social unit God invented to fill up the world with representatives of his loving character. III. God first picked the nation Israel to be his children. A. However, after centuries of Israel’s rebellion, God chose the church. IV.
The biblical portrayal of God shows us how parenting is such a vital part of bringing God’s own character to this planet in our own little ones. 13. Ownership of needs I. Two aspects to taking ownership over one’s needs: A. Identify the needs. B. Initiate responsible caretaking for ourselves. 14. Importance of Respecting the Limits of Others I. From an early age, children need to be able to accept the limits of parents, siblings, and friends. II. Limits are important for two reasons: A. The ability to learn to accept limits teaches us to take responsibility for ourselves. B. Heeding others’ boundaries helps children to love.
III. If this principle isn’t taught, it’s difficult for children to grow up as loving people. Frequently, they become self-centered or controlling. 15. Basic Tasks for the Different Stages of Childhood I. Birth to Five Months – The only boundary is the soothing presence of Mother. II. Five to Ten Months – Encourage separateness while still being an anchor. III. Ten to Eighteen Months – Allow the “no” muscle to begin developing . IV. Eighteen to Thirty-Six Months – Help child gain a sense of individualism. V. Three to Five Years – Allow children to compete and develop sex roles. VI.
Six to Eleven Years – Help kids establish the fundamentals of tasks. VII. Eleven to Eighteen Years – Begin the “de-parenting” process, increase freedom, and loosen boundaries 16. Having a Sense of Control and Choice Having a Sense of Control and Choice I. Children need to have a sense of control and choice in their lives. II. Learning to make age-appropriate decisions helps children to have a sense of security and control. III. Many anxious and well-meaning parents attempt to prevent their children from making painful decisions. IV. Children need a sense that their lives and destinies are largely theirs to determine.
V. They learn to appreciate the consequences of their own choices instead of resenting the choices made for them. 17. Delaying Gratification I. Delay of Gratification A. The ability to say no to our impulses, wishes, or desires in exchange for a later reward. B. The Scriptures place a great value on this ability (Heb. 12:2). II. All children beyond the age of 12 months should be taught this skill. III. Our children can become like ants or sluggards (Prov. 6:6-11). IV. Learning how to delay gratification helps children have a goal orientation. 18. Discipline (roots, facets) I. Discipline (teaching) A. Positive facets . Proactivity 2. Prevention 3. Instruction B. Negative facets 4. Correction 5. Chastisement 6. Consequences II. Good child rearing involves both preventive training and practice, and correctional consequences. III. Discipline is an external boundary, designed to develop internal boundaries in our children. 19. Stages of Childhood as they relate to Seasonal Boundaries and Age-Appropriate Limits Training 20. Know How Character Development relates to work 21. Know how the Bible relate to Character Development and work I. Many Christians believe that unless someone is working “in the ministry,” their work is secular.
A. This view of work distorts the biblical picture. II. All of us (not just ministers) have gifts and talents to contribute to humanity (Col. 3:23). III. Work is a spiritual activity. IV. Work is the place to develop our character in preparation for the work we will do forever. 22. Know the Problems in the Workplace and their applications I. Getting saddled with another person’s responsibilities II. Working too much overtime III. Misplaced priorities IV. Difficult co-workers V. Critical attitudes VI. Conflicts with authority VII. Expecting too much of work VIII. Taking work-related stress home
IX. Disliking your job 23. Know the self-boundary problems associated with the “Out of Control Soul” I. People whose time is out of control usually have one of the following problems: a. Omnipotence b. Over-responsibility for the feelings of others c. Lack of realistic anxiety d. Rationization 25. Understand the roots of internal self-boundary conflicts needed to Establish Boundaries with Yourself I. What are the roots? A. Lack of training B. Rewarded destructiveness C. Distorted need D. Fear of relationship E. Unmet emotional hungers F. Being under the law G. Covering emotional hurt