Mommy, I’ve killed God

You wanted a scar; there it is, plain as day (no two-level, deep meanings attached). My scar isn’t external, nor, do I suppose, is it internal. Heck, I don’t know what it is but all my life I know it’s been my scar, my burden.

I have a problem with Christianity. But I don’t show disrespect to those who choose to follow it (unless they try to impose their beliefs on me), and I don’t force my thoughts on anyone (you are choosing to read this).

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You want sex, intoxication, violence, incest and death? Read the Bible! Though, on second thought, maybe you should stick to ‘Lost Souls’ by Poppy Z. Brite, it’s much better.

I killed God when I was still little; no one made me. Or maybe they did! Maybe the couple hours a week of religious education for ten years did, maybe it was the bible passages they told a room full of six-year-olds, because no matter how pretty the stories they told us were, I always knew they were just easy answers.

God’s love is boundless, God forgives all, and it doesn’t matter if you don’t love Jesus, because Jesus loves you. Isn’t that nice? But wait a minute, then sin comes into it. If you sin, even though ‘God’s love is infinite and he will forgive all’, sorry sucker, you’re going to hell. Unbelievable? Here, let me explain. You may think ‘Now that’s okay, God forgives me; I’m going to heaven’. Yeah right! You’re blocking the hitch that’s always associated with something that’s too good to be true; the Bible says that all men are sinners. So what’s a girl to do? It seems you’re going to be going to hell anyway. And who is going to end up in heaven if these rules kick in? I’d much rather live in hell with my friends, thank you very much. It sounds like you’d get some pretty weird little guys in heaven. I think I’ll leave them to it.

On the flip side, we don’t need to worry about going to hell; we’re all going to heaven! Yeah! Because of Jesus, who by the way was both God and God’s only son (and this guy invented mankind? He must’ve been pretty stoned the day Jesus appeared on the scene). Anyway, guess what? Jesus died for our sins! So now we can sin as much as we like and it doesn’t matter. Now wasn’t that just kind of him? And then you realize that since you’re supposed to follow everything in the bible, you have to live both sides at the same time, complicated, huh?

I’m not even sure I want to go to heaven, because if the bible is true then God just doesn’t seem like a very nice guy. I doubt he’d like me too much.

I read the Book of Job and the big man in the sky doesn’t exactly come off looking too good in this one. It all starts one fine day when the Devil (lovely chap) starts pestering God to prove how faithful one of his followers is. God caves to Devil’s mind tricks and picks out a random guy who has always been a well-behaved Christian. And so, God kills his family, ruins his crops, and plagues him with all sorts of diseases. How nice of God whose, mind you, love is boundless and infinite and you should follow his example. I don’t know about you but I’d rather not.

Incase you hadn’t noticed I’m not your ideal candidate for entry into the kingdom heaven. Lets see: I’ve had a drink, probably will have sex, taken drugs, swear occasionally, I don’t love my enemies (or even my neighbors, for that matter), hate is one of my most frequently used emotions, and I don’t believe in God (now that’s a major one!). But that’s not the worst of it because I happen to believe that love transcends gender. God doesn’t like this, if you’re gay, you’re not going to heaven. So children repeat after me; ‘God is a homophobe’.

I’ve not even scratched the surface yet, but surely you can already see why I’ve killed God. Maybe you’ve begun to understand a modicum of the torment I feel. The blasted torment that I have to carry as a scar on myself for the rest of my life. See you in hell.

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Mommy, I’ve killed God. (2018, Jun 25). Retrieved from