What I did in 2009 and how did it affect me?

When one is faced with multiple challenges, one tends to often succumb to the two words – giving up. However, there would always be a particular challenge that puts people to the test, and it is up to themselves on whether they are set and willing to give up certain things just to overcome this huge obstacle they have just come across. Every year, I would face many challenges like every other human being on this planet. It is often, during a certain time of the year, when a challenge which is posed as its biggest would rear its ugly head again.

Often, I would tend to turn towards the negative side of things and feel like giving up, but so far, I have not. In 2009, nevertheless, there was another huge obstacle that awaited me. It was none other than death. Like any other teenager, my life was filled with many major problems that I often had to solve and try to break through the tough time. Being faced with multiple problems and worries at the same time, stress slowly began to eat its way into my head without my knowledge.

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Therefore, this caused the end result ( when I finally found out that I was stressed ) to be many times worse compared to if I had been able to find out why and how I was stressed the first time. Studies, family and friends were the most important things in my life that I had to keep me going. However, to keep certain important things in your life, you have to learn to let other things go too. I tried that, but it was to no avail. Nearing the end of year examinations, the stress in my head began to slowly reveal itself and it tried to overcome me.

I nearly succumbed to temptation to the two words – give up – but I tried my upmost best after two weeks, in which I sank into depression slightly in between. My studies were never good as they once were in primary school once I entered this prestigious school. Perhaps my mind never intended to open up to new things, maybe I just had no motivation to go on. I was just not good enough for anything in this school, it seemed, at that point in time. In secondary three, I began to realize the seriousness of being retained or expelled if I was not able to hit the msg four mark for the overall year.

I had only two choices – to make it or to break it. Everything weighed down on me, causing the load on my shoulder to increase drastically. At the same time, it seemed that my relationship with my friends and family ( especially my family ) was rocky at the moment too. My parents were equally worried about Nanyang’s criteria, and they yearned for me to pass on to secondary four peacefully. I was afraid, confused and lost. I was at a loss; I was about to lose the three most important things in my life, ever.

Getting them back was definitely not going to be an easy task. I could not afford to sacrifice anything else in return for them back into my life, by my side, urging my on. Fear gripped me as I was unsure of what my next step should be. Seeing that there seemed to no longer be any more options, I chose the craziest and most un-apt way to run away and cower from all my problems. I was serious when I thought about dying. Being paranoid about feeling pain or regret in the midst of dying, I had gone online to search for the top ten easiest and most painless ways to die.

I told no one about my huge plan, I wanted them to feel desolate and guilty for making me turn to this one and only option of running away. Running away from all my problems, running away from everyone, running away from everything. Every single thing I had ever lived for. Yet, I began having second thoughts about ending my life. I constantly asked myself ” There are so many things out there that I haven’t seen, haven’t done, is it worth it to throw my life away because of all those useless people; is it wise to do so? ; “This is my own life, why let their opinions affect me? ” For two weeks, I thought, and thought, and thought[9 . To others ( mainly teachers ) , I looked as though I was daydreaming ( maybe I was just good at keeping my thoughts inside safe and sound ). No one seemed to understand or notice that I was simply deep in thought, just wondering whether I should just kill myself or let life continue. As much as one tries to keep secrets to themselves, others would find ways and means to dig them out. And that was exactly what my parents did.

They were unhappy with the fact that I was the computer from afternoon to around three in the morning. They wanted me to focus on my studies, after all it was not exactly easy to pass with flying colours in Nanyang. At least, not with my brains. My parents then decided that it was the last straw when I had not studied for three consecutive days. They checked the Internet’s history for the websites I had been visiting over the last three days, and were both shocked, disappointed – the latter being the majority – to find out I had googled for the easiest and most painless way to end my life.

Me being an only child – their only child – they worried for me and wondered if there was anything they could do to change my way of thinking. Our family was one who hated people who committed suicide; it was known as the most un-moral way of escapism. Therefore, my parents found the right time to barge into my room when I was in the midst of relaxing, and demanded an answer for all they had found out about. Not knowing how to lie through the entire thing whilst looking them straight in the eye without batting an eyelid ( after all, death was complicated ), I spilled the beans immediately.

My parents were horrified, and terribly upset that I had even harboured that idea. They sat me down, talked to me about my problems and finally I was sure. Death was not a way out, it was a means of escapism. After I died, life for all would still go on. It was not as though I was very influential and the world would hold a ceremony for my death. From this entire incident which nearly cost me my life, I have learnt that it is never wise to think that suicide is the best solution to all our problems.

In fact, it is the worst solution anyone can ever come up with. It is only an act of cowardice, something that most people would turn against. If we have been chosen with the golden opportunity to live, why not just live? We should not let this slip away from us, but make the best out of our lives. If we have any problems which lash out at us constantly, causing us to be both vulnerable and having difficulties to keep our emotions in check, we should learn to turn to someone for help instead of bottling everything within ourselves.

Massive challenges tend to make us do the silliest of things, just because we want to run away and not solve the problem. Eventually, the only person that is hurt throughout this entire process is ourself. I am lucky to have turned against suicide at the last moment, and here I am, able to pass on my knowledge of what I had gone through the darkest moments of my life. Hopefully, this knowledge of mine would refrain others from committing this silly mistake I nearly made.

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