At 16 years old I went to a local modeling agency to become a model and they told me to lose 10 1lbs. for the camera. Little did I know this would become the trigger for my eating disorder and the beginning of 14 years of hell.
To get the weight off, I decided to go on a 5 day water fast, and at the end of it, I began to binge like there was no tomorrow. A pattern quickly developed: after a period of bingeing on enormous amounts of food, to get the weight off, I would run 5-10 miles a day and go on crash diets. Then the bingeing would start again and the cycle would repeat. This pattern would last for 14 years until finally my health gave out and I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome at 30 years old.
It was 1988 and since I was no longer able to work, healing myself became my full time job. I was an emotional mess. I had suffered from anxiety and perfectionism ever since I was a child, and now that those traits were coupled with the eating disorder and my illness, I found myself spiraling into a deep depression.
I had a strong interest in spirituality and psychology that had begun in my teens. Looking for relief, I found myself drawn to Buddhism and at this time discovered mindfulness. There were several meditation centers near me and I began to take classes and retreats on mindfulness meditation and mindful eating.
At a retreat, I learned a walking mindfulness meditation and went on daily nature walks. In nature, I found it easier to let go of my negative thoughts and I would lose myself in the beauty of the plant life.
In my daily sitting meditation practice I learned to simply observe my mind and thoughts without judgement. It quickly became apparent to me that my mind was filled with a lot of shoulds, have to’s, and rules that I thought I should follow. These thoughts were all from the outside world based on things I had gotten from society and the media: what a woman should look like (thin and perfect), what she should act like, etc.
As I began to inquire into the truth of these beliefs, I realized that none of these things were real; they were based on other people’s opinions and agendas. Nor did these thoughts serve me. In fact, these very thoughts and beliefs were what were driving my eating disorder.
Because I was a perfectionist, I had always been extremely self-critical and expected myself to live up to extremely high standards. The result was that I never felt good enough. At my core, I felt inadequate and my perfectionism was a way of dealing with this. I felt if I could just be perfect, I would then get the love, attention, and acceptance that I craved.
This enormous sense of pressure and unworthiness was the greatest weight that I needed to release. I adopted the mantra, “Dare to be Average” and had to remind myself throughout my day that it was progress, not perfection.
Mindfulness taught me how to be. As I began to release myself from the prison of self-judgement, I began to lighten up. The harsh, inner voice that constantly berated me began to be replaced with a sense of compassion for myself and my body and for all the suffering I was going through.
My perception of my body shifted and I no longer treated my body like an adversary that I needed to be whipped into submission. I began to see that my body and I were a team and I wanted to support it, not ride roughshod over it.
Mindful eating helped me to key into my body’s natural cues and rhythms. Whereas before, I ate according to some diet plan or food rules, I now listened to what my body wanted and I began to choose foods that I enjoyed and made me feel vibrant and alive. I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full. I took time to cook myself nourishing meals that I enjoyed and yet I also made room for the sweet treats that were formerly off limits, which is what had driven me to crave and binge on them. Now that I was allowing them, I no longer saw them as forbidden fruit and I ate far less of them.
I began to feel a real sense of freedom as I felt in tune with what my body wanted and needed. Over the course of a year, my bingeing and compulsive eating completely disappeared. No longer eating more than I needed, I lost the excess weight and I have maintained a normal weight ever since.
When I first started using mindfulness in 1988 there really wasn’t much research done on it, but today there is a growing body of research that shows that mindfulness is effective in treating eating disorders. Guardiola Wanden-Berghe, Rocío & Sanz-Valero, Javier & Wanden-Berghe, Carmina. (2011). The Application of Mindfulness to Eating Disorders Treatment: A Systematic Review. Eating disorders. 19. 34-48. 10.1080/10640266.2011.533604.
My mindfulness practice has taught me that you eat how you are. If you’re out of balance is some way, your eating will reflect that. When you’re at peace and centered within yourself, you’ll be at peace with food. How you do food is how you do life!
Today, I have 30 years of recovery from my eating disorder. It turns out, my greatest struggle has also become my greatest blessing. For the past 15 years I have been coaching and mentoring others on how to let go of dieting and make peace with food and their bodies using mindfulness. It’s so rewarding to be able to pass on my wisdom and help others find freedom from these issues.
For me, mindfulness has become a way of life. Before I started practicing mindfulness, I used to spend a lot of time on “Someday I’ll,” thinking about all the things I wanted to do in the future. Today I know a someday life is an imaginary life. There is only now.
