The issue of instinctive versus conscious emotional response is something I always deal with during difficult situations. More often than not, my basic instinct for self-preservation takes over before I have a chance to reflect on how to effectively manage the situation. This can lead to short and pointless conversations before I am able to reflect and handle communication in a more appropriate manner.
These responses are usually incited by erratic or irrational behavior, or arguments that threaten to dominate the other person and the conversation. The most important thing to do is deal with instinctive emotions as soon as possible after they are provoked. I take a deep breath or smile genuinely to release such emotions. I actively listen and interject some points where there is a perception of a win-win situation. If the other person does not want to ease any tension, I try to defuse it with a little humor or praise.
However, this does not mean that I give up on my reasoning. I make sure to be assertive with my arguments. Being assertive differs from aggression since assertion is a behavior that enables a person to act in their best interests, stand up for themselves without undue anxiety, express honest feelings comfortably, or exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others” (Alberti & Emmons, 1982). Assertive behavior has many components such as voice tone and volume, eye contact, posture, facial expression and delivery among others. Moreover, assertive behavior usually leads to compromise or victory.
Individual identity dictates our basic reactions, but there are appropriate ways that we can learn to manage difficult situations. Being reflective and assertive, especially in difficult communication situations, ensures effectiveness and desirable results.
Reference
Emmons, A. and Alberti, R. (1982). Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships. New York: Impact Publishers.
