Joseph (22) and Lillian (20) are in a relationship conflict with accusations coming from each side. As their friend, they approached me to mediate the situation. During our conversation, both parties asked questions aimed at resolving the conflict. Each person supported their case by providing reasons for their actions. For example, Lillian expressed her unhappiness with walking in public with Joseph because he walks too fast. Joseph countered by stating that he dislikes walking with Lillian because she frequently stops to greet male friends without introducing him, which makes him suspicious of her intentions. Additionally, Lillian complained that Joseph lacks determination to continue the relationship since he keeps bringing up previously resolved issues that continue to resurface after one year together.
Joseph expresses discomfort with the type of friends that Lillian is keeping. The main concern with Lillian’s group of friends is that they are heavily involved in binge drinking and lead reckless lifestyles. Joseph points out that Lillian has been influenced to the extent where she also goes out with them, despite claiming not to participate in binge drinking. Lillian defends herself by stating that she cannot abandon her friends since she knew them before meeting Joseph. She also argues that her boyfriend is too dull and reserved, while she desires to live life to the fullest.
This is a classic real-life conflict that I encountered. My role was to provide direction and help this couple make the most informed and appropriate decision for their relationship. Engaging in conflict with the intention of achieving a more productive outcome is invaluable and must not be overlooked. According to Foundation Coalition (2010), the majority of individuals are willing to engage in resolving their own conflicts, but lack the necessary skills to do so effectively. In fact, people who lack conflict management skills often assume that there is no problem, leading them to believe that the conflict will naturally dissipate over time. However, unresolved conflicts can lead to greater problems and negative consequences, ultimately ruining personal relationships.
Joseph and Lillian’s case had hope for resolution since they had already acknowledged that a conflict existed and sought intervention indirectly. This was an opportunity for me to exercise my conflict management skills using appropriate communication and theory.
Stevens (2010) points out that unresolved conflicts are the most likely cause of unhappy or failed relationships. With this in mind, prompt attention was needed in Joseph and Lillian’s case to achieve the best outcome for their relationship. It was necessary to identify that their conflict was passive rather than aggressive, as there was no open hostility between them and no apparent conflict on the surface. This is a classic example of passive conflict, where neither party feels free to discuss or raise issues directly, resulting in internal disagreement and keeping problems to themselves.
Both parties expressed instances of misunderstanding and feeling uncared for, with Lillian not feeling comfortable walking with Joseph in public. Stevens (2010) has identified this as a classical characteristic of passive conflict. The diminishing interest in engaging in activities together is also a clear sign of an underlying problem. Resentment from both sides showed that there was a drift in emotional attachment developing between Joseph and Lillian.
Understanding that the above case is an example of a couple-relationship conflict is an important step towards taking therapeutic steps. According to Vuchinich (2010), couple relationships are characterized by intense emotional feelings, and managing such conflicts can prove quite challenging. The complexity of the relationship is furthered by the sense of ambivalence between Joseph and Lillian. Both parties identify that there is a bond of love between them, but they also recognize that each provokes the other to hate. Issues such as suspicion and diminished interest with each other may appear minor, but they have the potential to destroy this relationship.
The duration of this relationship and conflict is pertinent since the frequency of a conflict in couple relationships can determine the likelihood of resolving it (Vuchinich, 2010). As long as conflicts are resolvable, their duration should not be a big deal, and the relationship should not be left to collapse.
Analyzing Lillian and Joseph’s case in order to provide a way out is crucial and provides an opportunity to apply conflict resolution theory. To resolve the conflict, it is essential to enhance understanding between the two parties, cement their cohesion, and raise self-knowledge. Failure to achieve these goals could lead to a damaged relationship on both sides. Understanding different conflict styles is advisable for achieving the above objectives.
The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) is a good illustration of various conflict styles. The TKI styles include competitive, compromising, collaborating, accommodating, and avoiding (Shell, 2001). Each style suits specific types of conflicts; therefore understanding the best style during a conflict is important in coming up with the best solution.
In Joseph and Lillian’s conflict, a competing style was not appropriate since it is best suited for making quick decisions, and there was no need to protect the interests of any single party. Therefore, introducing arguing and assertiveness would not have been necessary as the situation did not demand taking swift actions. On the other hand, taking an avoiding approach would not have been better either because the passive nature of this conflict was slowly ruining their relationship.
There was a need to break out of the fear of handling the conflict as it could not be assumed to be of less importance. The tension in their relationship was not heightened enough to call for avoidance as a means of reducing tension. In fact, a direct approach was required before tension rose to uncontrollable levels.
Moreover, there was hope that they could find a solution since they had realized their problem.
An accommodating style would not be sufficient in resolving the conflict between Joseph and Lillian. Simply suggesting that they accommodate each other would overlook the underlying issues in their relationship and prioritize keeping peace over addressing those issues. Additionally, an accommodating approach would be inappropriate because Joseph and Lillian are not simply cooperating with each other; the outcome of their relationship is crucial. Suggesting accommodation could even lead to both parties keeping a record of who has accommodated more, potentially leading to greater conflict. Moreover, an accommodating approach requires good communication between parties (Foundation Coalition, 2010), which was lacking in Joseph and Lillian’s relationship.
A compromising style may seem like a promising approach to settling this conflict, but it is not the most appropriate. Compromising is advisable for resolving issues of moderate importance (Shell, 2001), and it would likely fail in Joseph and Lillian’s case since their relationship involves strong emotions that could lead to serious heartbreak if conflicts are left unresolved. Additionally, compromising is best suited for situations where time is limited and temporary solutions are needed – neither of which apply in this case. Rather than expressing a desire for a temporary fix, Joseph and Lillian have expressed their desire to come up with a permanent solution to the issue at hand. Therefore, compromising as an approach to resolving this conflict can be ruled out as inappropriate.
The most appropriate resolution strategy for Joseph and Lillian’s relationship conflict would have been the collaborating mode of TKI. The collaborating style aims to realize the best solution by piling ideas on top of each other, thus emerging with a creative solution. This style requires a high level of cooperation from both parties involved in a conflict. There is no single individual who has higher power over the other, and therefore the creative solution emerges as a contribution from both parties. It is no wonder that this conflict resolution mode is viewed by many as the ideal resolution mode (Foundation Coalition, 2010). Noting that Lillian and Joseph expressed their desire to resolve their conflict and they were not under pressure to meet any deadline, the collaboration mode would have been suitable since it requires devoting sufficient time as well as energy.
Lillian and Joseph were willing to take measures to ensure a smooth relationship, and they were not shy about sharing their frustrations. They wanted to work together towards achieving common goals and finding a lasting solution. The Foundation Coalition (2010) advises that a collaborative approach works best in resolving conflicts where compromise is not enough and when the parties involved need to develop more commitment for overall improvement in relationships. Therefore, Joseph and Lillian’s case is the best candidate for a collaborative approach.
Furthermore, both parties showed collaboration skills such as active listening and identifying concerns in the relationship. Neither of them threatened the other, but rather expressed concern that their relationship was not heading in the right direction. Both took the initiative to seek advice on how to settle their conflicting matters.
It is evident that Lillian and Joseph’s conflict resolution skills were inadequate, as they sought help to resolve their issues. However, pushing for a solution without equipping both parties with the necessary skills would not be effective. Instead, it is crucial to guide them through the problem-solving process using the collaboration conflict management style.
The problem-solving process helps Joseph and Lillian focus on the issue at hand instead of blaming each other. To start, they should define the problem and related issues before sharing their views. It’s essential to listen attentively to each other’s perspectives as this can reveal important concerns in the conflict.
Once all possible solutions have been identified, Joseph and Lillian should choose the most appropriate one and implement it. They must also be prepared to evaluate its outcomes for further action if necessary (National Training and Technical Assistance Center for Drug Prevention and School Safety Coordinators of the U.S. Department of Education’s Safe and Drug Free Schools Office, 2006).
Intertwining the collaboration mode of conflict management with the problem resolution process in Lillian and Joseph’s conflict is likely to yield positive results. Indeed, Lillian and Joseph have a good opportunity to reap the benefits of conflicts if they can successfully resolve their current conflict. Such benefits would include increased cohesion, improved ability to handle more serious conflicts in the future, and most importantly, both parties would gain a sense of self-awareness.
Failure to effectively resolve this conflict could result in ongoing disagreements between Lillian and Joseph, leading to a potential breakup or an unhappy relationship instead of one filled with enjoyment.
References:
The Foundation Coalition (2010) published a brochure titled Understanding Conflict and Conflict Management.” The brochure provides valuable insights into managing conflicts. It can be accessed by visiting http://foundationcoalition.org/publications/brochures/conflict.pdf. The information was retrieved on July 27th, 2010.
The National Training and Technical Assistance Center for Drug Prevention and School Safety Coordinators, a division of the U.S. Department of Education’s Safe and Drug Free Schools Office, published a resource in 2006 titled Managing and Resolving Conflicts Effectively in Schools and Classrooms” on CREducation. The resource can be accessed at http://www.creducation.org/resources/resolving_conflicts/files/day1.html, retrieved on July 27th, 2010.
Shell, G. R. (2001). Teaching Ideas: Bargaining Styles and Negotiation: The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument in Negotiation Training.” Negotiation Journal, 17(2), 155-174.
Stevens, T. G. (2010) wrote an article on resolving interpersonal conflicts with improved assertive conflict resolution skills. The article can be accessed at http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/success/resolving_conflicts.htm and was retrieved on July 27th, 2010.
Vuchinich, S. (2010) discusses conflict in various types of relationships, including couple relationships, family relationships, and parent-child relationships. The article covers theories and development related to these conflicts. The information can be found at http://family.jrank.org/pages/315/Conflict.html and was accessed on July 27th, 2010.
