Is it true that “You Can Be Anything?” Children and adolescents are often being told that they can be anything they want just as long as they put their mind to it. Can this be a dangerous thing to tell children? Telling children that they can do anything is untruthful and may lead to unrealistic expectations. It’s simply not true that anyone can be a professional baseball player, ballerina, or a doctor. They are all limited by their genetics, level of talent, socioeconomic status, race, and other factors that can influence the chances to succeed in particular careers.
It can certainly be damaging to children when parents assist them in creating unattainable goals. It can lead to failure, shame, and incompetence. As stated by Leslie Garrett, “A child shows an interest in art and we imagine his work eventually hanging in galleries. A talented runner, we think, might make the Olympics. Kids who love science are given microscopes and we begin to wonder if we should start saving up for college fees at Massachusetts Institute of Technology.”(You Can Do It, Baby!, 2015) This is alarmingly true in the current age of hyper-parenting where parents become overly-involved in the quest to define their children’s future into becoming high achieving adults. They’ll over schedule and try too hard in a way that can actually hurt their children’s ability to succeed personally and academically, and they don’t provide them with the space to develop on their own.
What happened to when kids were out and about playing in the streets until the sun went down? Parenting was much different back in the eighties. Kids had keys to their house. Their daily routine would consist of walking home from school, making their own snacks, homework, chores, watching TV, and caring for their younger siblings before their parents came home by dinnertime from work. These kids turned out fine but the thought of raising children this way nowadays will send most parents into a panic attack.
Now, when an adult sees a child(ren) either walking outside their home, or at a park they immediately conclude to calling the cops and CPS for child neglect. The complication is that child neglect laws are so flawed, there is no direct or clear stance on what qualifies as child neglect, and it differs from state to state. Nowadays, parents who want to encourage their children to have some independence with limited parental supervision, the opposite of Hyper-Parenting, and let them to go outside on their own to play or simply walk home to school are criminalized. As in the case of The Meitiv’s, a couple from Maryland who let their ten and six-year-old walk home from a park near their home in 2014. An onlooker who saw the kids walking called the cops and shortly CPS showed up at their home threatening to take their children away. The Meitiv’s believe in giving their children some independence to allow them to become competent and responsible adults. According to CPS in Maryland it was considered child neglect, and unfortunately, it took the Meitiv’s hiring a lawyer, costing them tens of thousands of dollars and a five-month long emotional and traumatic battle to have all charges finally dropped. According to Lenore Skenazy, government data shows in 2003 there were 206,000 children taken by CPS and in 2008 the number increased 30% to 267,000. More than 41% of those children removed were not found to have been neglected. (“The Criminalization of Parenthood: Why Are Good Parents Being Charged With Child Neglect?, 2016)
The consequences these parents are facing are appalling. They are getting criminally charged, their names being added to child-abuser registry, their children are being taken away, attaining astronomical legal fees, and leaving both children and parents traumatized. It is also leaving parents who want to teach their children a sense of responsibility and independence out of options. They don’t want to take the risk of being accused of child neglect and having their children taken away or being frowned upon by their community for not hovering over their children for allowing them to have some freedom and make choices for themselves. It has gotten so out of hand that a new law just passed in Utah called ‘Free Range Parenting” law, the first of its kind in the US. It was supported and signed by Utah’s governor, Gary Herbert. It allows the children to have some unsupervised activities without having their parents being charged with child neglect. It is expected that other states will follow with similar law.
Why has this changed? There are several factors that can have contributed to the Hyper-Parenting phenomenon. One is the fear factor arising from the 24/7 media from TV, social media, and text alerts regarding tragic events involving children, such as school shootings, drugs, kidnapping, and murders. This has made parents become very fearful for their children’s safety. According to Dr. George Glass et al, co-author of “The Overparenting Epidemic: Why Helicopter Parenting Is Bad for Your Kids … and Dangerous for You, Too!” says, ‘You don’t let them ride their bikes somewhere else. You don’t let them go to the bathroom (in a public place) without somebody checking on them. It’s a little nutty, but it’s the fear factor,’ (2014) and the ironic part is that gun-related homicides and crimes against children have dropped since the eighties along with accidental deaths. According to Melissa Schorr, our children have never been safer. Current crimes against children fallen to levels last seen in the 70’s. There are only a hundred cases per year of abduction and most of them started by runaways. Accidental injuries have dropped an astounding 60% since the 80’s. (“When Did Parents Get So Scared?, 2015)
Another aspect is that parents want to raise their children differently than the way they were raised. Parents have a desire to give their children what they didn’t have growing up. This is understandable, there shouldn’t be anything wrong with that. They want their children to have better opportunities and success than what they had, but they are taking an extreme and unhealthy approach for not only their children but for themselves. First, there were the soccer moms and dads back in the eighties and most of the nineties, who drove their kids from activity to activity all day long, they felt more like taxi drivers than moms. Second, came the helicopter moms and dads in the late nineties, and that’s when things starting taking a strange turn. These are the moms who obsessed over their children’s safety, security, and success in every part of their child’s life. These are the parents that want their kids to do well academically and get that prestigious scholarship. The ones spraying sanitizer every second they get on their kids so they don’t get germs or sick. They hover over them at the playground so they don’t fall and get a scrape or bleed.
Now there is a new generation of parenting that has taken it to another disturbing level, the “snow plow” moms and dads. These parents aren’t just driving their kids to activities or helping them become successful academically and socially. They are actually paving the way, removing obstacles for any struggle or hardship their child may encounter so they can have a better chance at becoming what they dream of and to be successful. Oftentimes, it’s not what the kids want but what their parents want for them. This is leading parents to brainwash their children into thinking they are really good at something for their own hopes and dreams for their children. They are managing and controlling every aspect of their child’s life. This trend of parenting will lead to a significant outcome of negative consequences into the next generation. Kids will not be able to function as independent adults, inability to troubleshoot problems, achievement robots, they’ll look at struggle as a failure and will not have the emotional capacity to deal with it. It leads them to be anxious, dependent, narcissistic, and self-entitled adults.
As parents, we all want what is best for our children but sometimes we completely lose track of ‘what is best’ means and I fell into the trap of hyper-parenting with my son. A tall and bulky child is immediately expected to be a great athlete. Of course, we already had the premeditated thought he’d play at least three main sports year round – football, soccer, baseball. As the years passed, I followed other parents into the trap of signing my kid up for costly private lessons from former professional baseball players to help him be a better hitter. Deluxe agility clinics and weight lifting private sessions were a weekly ritual to help his speed, accuracy, and strength. Thankfully, it came to a point when I noticed none of these extra fancy lessons, gyms, top-notch equipment were doing anything for my son to excel in the sport or much less have a chance to play professionally or even college level. I could see the frustration and exhaustion in his eyes. Suddenly, the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. What am I doing to my child? I’m destroying my child’s confidence, leaving him to feel as a failure as his skills can’t compete with his teammates who are excelling at it. That’s when we made the decision to support and guide our son to finding and pursuing his skills, values, and passion. He chose to concentrate on his true passion and what he was best at, playing football and devoting the rest of his time to academics which were the most important to him.
When enough is enough of this extreme and dangerous trend of parenting that is destructing our children and society? After all, isn’t our society all about self-help or have we lost that concept due to never-ending competition amongst each other. It may only be when parents realize who and why are they really doing this for. Hyper-Parents have one main motive and that is to ensure their children will be happy and successful during their childhood and adulthood. Is that what these parents really want for their children or do they even know their children? They are too busy molding them into who they want their children to be by hovering over them 24/7 with a structured life of endless activities. Not giving them any freedom to learn on their own about their likes and dislikes or to face an obstacle and learn to rise from it. These children are already living in a competitive and high-pressured around the clock society telling them how to dress and eat, who their friends should be, what they should do, and which careers are acceptable. Unfortunately, these parents don’t stop to take a breath and think what their true values are, what is really important to them, and what do they want to instill in their children. All most children want is to feel love and accepted by their parents and that is not by material stuff or signing them up for ten activities or getting into an ivy league school. Instead, they prefer for parents being there for them, paying attention to them, helping them when needed, and feeling loved by them. Sadly, many parents don’t feel they are successfully parenting unless they are in this rat race bouncing their kids from one structured activity to another. They believe it’ll lead their children to be exposed to the world that will then help them to the path of success. Living in falsehood is a dangerous trend of the path that most parents from all different backgrounds and socioeconomic status are leading their lives when it comes to raising their children.
Unfortunately, this epidemic of Hyper-Parenting has left a generation of young adults who feel entitled. According to Leslie Garrett, “We need to say to people: Go for your dreams. Figure out what it is you most like to do, and then let’s talk about how realistically you can find some of that, or most of that, but maybe not all of that.” (You Can Do It, Baby!, 2015) This is a powerful message that is realistic in every sense of the word. It re-directs the focus to achieving attainable dreams, where they have strong suits to excel in, and leaves them feeling purposeful even if it isn’t their dream jobs. If a student’s dream is to become a trial lawyer but is extremely shy, frightened to speak in front of an audience, then they are following an unrealistic plan that leads them to waste time, money, and to fail. The transformation to adulthood is overwhelming, and it only becomes more challenging when you think you can easily be whatever you want, and then being distraught when you fail.
‘You can be anything you want to be’ is a loaded statement that can do more harm than good. It doesn’t help in discovering meaningful careers where one can excel within their capabilities or skills and find fulfilment in life. Parents need to guide children to know the path it entails to achieve their dream career and its sacrifices, and modify it along the way as they discover their strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes. Finding a career that is useful, interesting, and purposeful to one’s own values and talents is what success is. Not only will they find a great meaning in their career, but having the choice to find it and pursue it will dictate your future happiness and success. Unrealistic plans only lead to waste of time, stress, and unhappiness. It’s also crucial for parents to step back and give their children space to have the ability to grow and learn who they are.
The truth is that there is a subtle boundary where you can guide your children to achieve personal growth without falling into the trappings of what you want or expect them to be. Parents are involved in every aspect of their children’s lives such as extracurricular activities, school achievements, the food they can eat, friends they can hang out with, and careers they want them to have. How can you not pay close attention to the way children are raised? Where do you draw the line? Every child needs attention and continuous care from their parents, but, it’s important to be aware of where the balance lies. Parenting shouldn’t be equivalent to controlling but rather guiding children to become adults who are capable of making their own decisions and being responsible for their lives. A “Hyper Parent” may think their parenting style is the best way to raise successful children. However, the emotional toll it takes on their children may be far from a reflection of their children’s happiness.
Parents are overly concerned with their children being able to achieve everything under the sun and they must do everything to assure that their kid never loses in anything. Parents are falling for every trap they read or hear from social media and friends. ‘Keeping up with the Jones’ is more prevalent now than ever when it comes to raising children. There’s a parenting trend in society now that carries a dangerous message that if parents are not controlling every aspect of their children’s lives and ensuring that they are doing everything and anything as early as possible that their children will likely fall behind, unable to catch up to their peers and failing in life.
Some can say parents are trying to do what’s best for their children and willing to do what it takes to give their children the best possible chance at success in life. As “Hyper-Parenting” and over-scheduling became the accepted way to raise children, a sense of balance has been completely lost and societal pressures aren’t helping. This had led children to be overly protected and have everything handed to them. It has curbed their abilities to learn from bad experiences as they are faced with little or no adversity. They aren’t able to deal with struggles and taking risks which leads them to anxiety, depression, and a loss of identity as they go into adulthood. Children often want to please their parents, but when parents sets the stakes up too high and create so much pressure for their children, it leads them to have lots of anxiety, panic attacks, develop depression, and even suicidal due to high stress to keep pleasing parents with their high and demanding expectations. They are being raised to be immune to making mistakes and failure, which is impossible and that amount of pressure is extremely dangerous.
Hyper-Parenting is clearly not good for children, nor the parents, and not good for the future of a society. An ideal solution would be for a change at a systemic level but, unfortunately, that may be difficult to achieve in today’s competitive culture. There are measures individual parents can take to rescue or prevent raising their children from this destructive parenting style. This doesn’t mean giving children the freedom of an adult. Rather, a balanced happy medium in allowing them to have regular unstructured time to do whatever they want. Stop hovering over them. Let them face obstacles, fail, learn to problem-solve, and take risks. Teach them responsibility, social skills, giving them space to develop their own likes and dislikes, knowing when to step back, and let them have a say on decisions that involve them. Ultimately, allowing them to find what they love and value.
