Childhood Fear

Porcelain Dolls

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears. Although for me, on my fifth birthday my fear of porcelain dolls inaugurated when my grandmother decided to give me my first porcelain doll (Sandy). My grandmother had a collection of porcelain dolls that she had been collecting since she was a child, it came to her that I should inherit this dolls. Every year for my birthday I knew I would receive a new doll from my grandmother. Two years went by and I came to the conclusion that Sandy did not like me having more than one doll to play with. That is when my fear for Sandy began.

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When I was a child I would constantly beg my grandmother to let me play with her porcelain dolls. My grandmother had a collection of gorgeous expensive dolls that my great grandmother started for her when she was a little girl. She always replied with a no when I asked to play with them, since she was scared that I as a typical four year old would break them. Porcelain dolls were beautiful to me and I wanted one more than anything when I was a child. Sandy was my favorite doll that my grandmother had, just because she had a big puffy vivid sequined red princess dress. Once I turned five I knew I would get Sandy as my gift and I had been counting down the days.

Once I received Sandy as a gift for the first couple days I would play with her and brush her hair. I would be extremely careful because I did not want to break her or have her hair fall off from me brushing it so much. Time went by and I lost interest in Sandy and she just stood up on my dresser right in front of my bed for days before I even thought about playing with her. Still, I would see Sandy every day I woke up as well as when I laid down for bed. I kept going to my grandmothers’ house and would ask for a different doll since Sandy just was not my favorite anymore. I wanted more dolls to play with of course not just one. Just like the year before I knew I had to wait patiently until my next birthday. Another year went by and it was almost my birthday again and I got my second porcelain doll (Julie).

Julie was my favorite doll at the time and I would play with her all day every day. Sandy just kept standing up on her stand on my dresser in front of my bed as she had been for the past year. That is when my fear of porcelain dolls truly triggered. I felt that Sandy was getting upset because I did not play with her any longer or pay her any attention to her. Every night before I went to bed I could feel her deep evil stare of what I believed hatred towards me. I would pull my comforter over my eyes tightly every night just to go to attempt to go to sleep. Even in the daytime I was terrified of being near Sandy. Walking into my room alone was something I feared of doing every day. If I walked to my closet I would always turn back and see if Sandy was staring at me. At that point I even stopped playing with Julie. Sandy and Julies eyes just frightened me to an instinct where I could not go into my room alone even going to sleep was close to impossible. Anywhere I would see porcelain dolls I would just instantly think of Sandy and Julie. They had become something I carried around with me; I constantly looked around for porcelain dolls anywhere that I went.

Frightened I told my mother I wanted to throw Sandy and Julie away and for her to let my grandmother know that I did not want any more dolls. Going to my grandmothers’ house was something I could not even do anymore without being so tense and scared of the dolls. Right after I had that breakdown with my mother she took Sandy and Julie away for good. Ultimately, I could now go into my room without feeling that vibe of intense fear. Sleeping and playing in my room was something that I could comfortably do as a seven year old. That is when I concurred my fear of Sandy.

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