My most memorable year was 2014 when I suffered from a type of traumatic brain injury called a concussion. It is ironic that I call it my most memorable year because throughout most of it I could not even remember what I did the previous day, let alone most of the first couple months after my injury. Having a brain injury is learning to live in a brain that sometimes feels like it belongs to someone else. This was one of those experiences that completely changes a person at least it did for me, my family, and the people I met along my recovery. Life has taught me that no matter how hard the situation becomes, always have hope that something beautiful is going to come out of it. Nearly 5 years ago, I took for granted being able to walk without wobbling, and being able to see without blurriness. Sometimes we get so caught up in life, we don’t think about what it would be like if something was taken away from us.
A concussion is a traumatic brain injury that alters the way your brain functions caused by a sudden blow to the head. I don’t remember a lot about that day and time that I suffered mine. Luckily my mom along with the rest of my family have helped me piece together parts that I was missing. Many times memories will just come back to me when I concentrate on those first few months after my injury.
It was April 12, 2014 at my last volleyball tournament for the season. I was on my second match of the day. My teammates and I were warming up before the game. We were in two lines bumping balls back to our coach. I was in the line farthest away from the court and there was a girl in the line beside me, she saw the ball coming and ducked, but I was not paying as close attention as her and it hit the left side of my head. At just one moment everything changed. I remember right away feeling the sharpest pain I had ever felt in my life.
“Wow, Grace that ball hit me really hard.” I said painfully.
“I’m so sorry Maddy it happened so fast I wasn’t able to warn you.” Grace said apologetically.
“It’s okay don’t worry about it girl. I’m glad it hit me and not you. I’m sure it’ll go away.”
I just brushed it off and got ready to start the game. My coach put me in right at the start of the game. When the ball would come over I would try for it, but I was swinging in mid air. I was never close to where the ball was. My head was pounding and I was getting upset for missing every hit so I called out to my coach to take me out. I explained to her what had happened and as I was doing that I could all of a sudden not hear anything out of my left ear just silence. I remember crying and being so scared that I could hardly hear anyone.
My mom came down to the court but I was not able to leave until the game was over. My coach came back and said the school did not have a trainer or ice for me. After the game was over my mom came over to me and she decided it was best for me to go to the emergency room. I don’t remember much between leaving the school and getting to the hospital. However I do remember my grandpa in the car kept saying to me “Stay awake Mads you can’t sleep right now.”
Once at the hospital I was guided into a room and had to change into a gown, but I was very confused and I could not remember how to undress myself. After I was in a gown, a nurse pushed me in a wheelchair to my CT scan and x-rays. We waited for what felt like hours until finally a doctor came into the room and told me I had a concussion, but that I could return to sports in a few days. My mom was worried with that answer and so she called my pediatrician. That following Monday I went into her office.
My pediatrician after examining me said I did have a concussion and that UPMC in Pittsburgh had a sports medicine clinic with a famous concussion center, and that was where I went that Wednesday. When I got to the clinic they had me first take an impact test which is used to help show if you have a concussion. Doctor Collins was assigned to my case and he started off testing my balance, movements, and my eyes, and after finishing each task I had to say what symptoms I had. He diagnosed me with a severe concussion with brain swelling and bleeding, and helped set up my recovery team which included him, a doctor for my medicine, one for my eyes, and a physical therapist. First it was every two weeks I had to go back to the clinic then every six, and then finally every four months.
I was put on a multitude of medications, I had to get bifocals, and many different physical therapies including eye, and vestibular (involving balance). The way I lived my life had to be completely altered after my concussion. Noise, lights, and crowds were just too much. I wasn’t allowed to go to school for a week, then only half days for two weeks. The way I learned changed. I was given a list of things I wasn’t allowed to do and accommodations for teachers to follow when it came to my school work. I went from doing well in school to being able to hardly write. I had to reteach myself to do even the smallest tasks and I had to write down everything incase I would forget.
I started treating my life as ‘before and after.’ before my brain injury and my life after it. Teachers, friends, and classmates had a hard time understanding what I was going through. After about three months some people thought I was just faking my symptoms.
“Really Maddy you still have that concussion? What’s it been, five months now? I’ve gotten hit harder and have had even more concussion than you and never had to deal with that” said a rude jock.
“Hey concussion girl! How long has it been now a year? Still faking all your symptoms? How pathetic” said wrestler.
“Concussion girl guess what! I just got hit in the head with a volleyball maybe I shouldn’t go to school for two weeks just like you” said a football player.
Many of my classmates would make fun of me for my concussion calling me “Concussion girl” and some still today years later will still make fun of me for it. My life became full of doctors hospitals, and pain. I didn’t get to have breaks, I couldn’t hangout with my friends because I had other priorities. My priorities were being healthy. Medications, therapies, pain, loneliness, depression, anger, and mood swings were not fun for me. Just because they couldn’t see it didn’t mean it wasn’t there. People would compare my concussion with one they had saying that never happened to them and that I was faking, but what they don’t understand is that every brain injury is different. Everyone experiences it differently and has different symptoms and severities.
Having an “invisible injury” made me feel like I was invisible. I wasn’t able to go to parties or be with my friends as much. Being in junior high made it hard enough to fit in already without having something wrong with you. Having a traumatic brain injury causes low self-esteem and feelings of self doubt that are strong. A TBI is scary and it can be really lonely and frustrating when you can’t simply explain what you’re thinking and feeling.
I remember all the doctor offices, doctors, medications, pain and sadness I felt those fourteen months. I remember sitting in the therapy rooms doing exercises to help get my vestibular functions back. Recovery was anything but easy. In fact, I remember it being extremely frustrating. It was like I hit the restart button on my life and had to teach myself how to do everything all over again. Having a TBI was the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with. I cried myself to sleep most nights, not understanding why I’m not the same person anymore. Here I am today and I think of how far I have come and how hard I have worked to be where I am today. I had to be reminded many times by many great people that I will get through it and to not stress over what I can’t do and focus on what I can. At a point I couldn’t even remember what it was like to be headache free and when everything wasn’t exhausting. Many days weren’t good days and that was okay. I would just try the next one, and I would take the struggle of that day and use it as my strength for the next day.
Those fourteen months of living with a traumatic brain injury really tested my strength, and showed me that nobody really understands the severity of something until they go through it themselves. Survivors of brain injuries have so much to teach those who may take the small things in life for granted. I learned that sometimes the pieces of your life may become scrambled, but you don’t have to overwhelm yourself to pick them all back up at the same time. It’s okay to recreate. I am blessed that I am able to see and walk with my family even if it’s a little blurry and sometimes a little wobbly.
I believe that sometimes my life has to be shaken up, changed, and rearranged to direct me to the place I was meant to be all along. I had to learn to live as someone different. My brain doesn’t work like my old one, but I’ve learned how to navigate with it. I found that my “broken” brain had a whole different set of abilities. I carried on fighting after this dreadful day, which affected me in every single way possible. I miss the old me but I try everyday to embrace the new me. I am a brain injury survivor. I am strong. I learned that even on the hardest and most painful days, there is still beauty. Getting hurt taught me to have strength, hope, faith, and patience. With all of that there is always hope after head injury.
