About My First Falling In Love

Wherever you and I are at in life, I beginning to think that you and I are the same person with the same destiny. We are just two humans lost in the vast blackness, spinning aimlessly, trying to catch everyone else’s attention in hopes of finding the meaning of whats actually going on. I spend days screaming at the sky and cursing at the creators, waiting for some explaining on why things happen the way they do. The summer of 2016 is the summer that changed my life. I met somebody, we were both 18 years old getting ready to leave for college. We had the whole summer to ourselves , and spent most of our days together.

The time would pass us up when we were together. Most of the time I spent doing was appreciating her smile and the ways she looked at me. I would hear everything from her even her silence, until we both decided to go back home for the night. Some nights she would spend the night at my house, we’d even be crazy some nights and decide to sleep in my back seat of my car. There was no escaping the feeling or the idea of me falling in love.

I began wondering about the feelings I felt with other women I had been with, I remembered all the good times that we shared and all the great music we shared with each other. I understood the music I played now after being in love, its as if they were a foreign language, until love came around and helped me understand the true meanings to these lyrics. Imagine jumping from a helicopter at its highest point.I wasn’t in a helicopter though, I was in her white 3 series BMW, smoking weed and losing myself in her eyes.

I sat in her passenger seat, and I explained the feelings I was feeling for her. Tears fell from my face, as the words slipped out of my lips. I was ashamed of what I was saying , knowing that there was no going back from there. She slipped me a kiss , but didn’t admit that she felt the same way I felt about her. It was time for me to let her go back to her house, because it was late and her curfew was near. That was the last day I seen her in person, all I have now is memories and recent instagram pictures. Now imagine yourself on the edge of a skyscraper. No, I was not on the edge of a skyscraper. I was in my Honda Pilot, telling myself that love is a lie and that I could keep my composure if I focused on my breathing. I focused on my breathing and kept my composure. I unfollowed her on all social media and told myself that I couldn’t love again. My emotions began harder to master but I always knew I had to keep moving along in life.

The summer ended and it was time for everyone in the 2016 graduating class to leave for their first semester of college. Most of my family and friends already had received a farewell from me but I haven’t had a real chance to say goodbye to the first person I felt real love for. By that time it was September 2016, and half of my album was done. I wrote an album to keep myself in control because I needed somewhere to outlet the emotions I was feeling from the trauma I went through. I spent my days crowding myself with studio time and long writing sessions in hopes of making an album that served as revenge on the girl who did not love me back.

I deleted her number but I knew I was able to reach her on instagram via direct message. The anxiety I felt typing her name into the search bar made me feel like I was on top of that sky scrapper again. I reached her instagram page only for me to find out that she was celebrating her 6 month anniversary with her boyfriend. I was shocked, but I knew that I could not let it kill me. I used that energy and finished an album, which no longer was revenge. It served as a new love that I found in myself, a love that cannot be explained. Who knows maybe she is somewhere sitting there listening to the songs in regret, I don’t wish for that anymore. I only wish that she continues to thrive in this vast world of blackness.