Dear mortal women of Earth,
My wife,Hera, has painfully suggested that I write this apology letter to all the women that I… uh.. Blessed. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to; I have great respect for beautiful, gorgeous and desirable women. So let me just start by saying that a long time ago, year, decades, maybe even centuries I can’t really remember exactly when, because it was so long ago, I had a thunderous crush on Io. She claims that she tried to signal me that she wasn’t interested, but I did not stop. You know, when you’re a god, you can do just about anything you want, if you are me of course, they basically let me do it. Back in my day there weren’t a whole lot of rules, or even punishments. If someone broke an oath, or I just felt like it…I threw a lightning bolt at them.
Anyways, it is possible that I might have made a slight mistake to have turned her into a heifer but I think she enjoyed it then, it’s not every day you get blessed by me and turned into a cow. Tho she might complain about it now. Same thing with Leda; it’s possible that I might have misinterpreted her but I honestly believe that her ‘no’ meant ‘maybe’ or ‘yes,’ so I turned myself into a beautiful swan, and blessed her. Then there was Semele, I mean, she was one of my priestesses, and I realize now that your priestesses got to be off limits. But she provoked me by bathing in the river Asopus. I just so happened to be flying by in the shape of an eagle. What happened, happened. It was totally wrong of her to ask if she could look at me face to face and I regret that I incinerated her, but it wasn’t my fault. Europa was also a slight mistake, but she should have known better than to come near to me when I’m in the shape of a white bull.
The same goes for Taygete who came to me as a doe with golden horns. I couldn’t stop myself. Weirdly enough I’ve always had a thing for golden horns, though I think Pindar made a bit too much of it. Then there was Dia, who happened by, so she says anyways, when I was in the shape of a stallion. What can you expect of a stallion? Alcmene…that’s another story. She was tall as well beautiful, with eyes that kind of reminded me of Aphrodite. I definitely wanted her. I had to disguise myself as her husband Amphitryon so I can bless her. Maybe it was wrong of me to do so, but I don’t think she ever figured out what actually happened, which in a way excuses me. Then there was my adventure with Antiope, where I disguised myself as a satyr; and when you are a satyr well…, you know, a satyr does what a satyr does, let’s just leave it at that.
To seduce Callisto, I had to transform myself into Artemis… You can guess how that went. Lastly I blame Acrisius for shutting up his daughter Danae in a bronze tower. I took it as a deliberate provocation. I had to sneak through an air vent to impregnate Danae in the form of golden rain, which was a rather interesting experience. But anyways what can I say? I don’t want to play the victim here, but I had a very hard, and troubling childhood, what with my father eating my siblings and I and all. Anyways I’m sorry for the things I might’ve done wrong..
Sincerely Zeus.
P.s. for those who I blessed with children that turned out to be heroes.. you’re welcome.
