From the warped mind of Nick DeCamp, we bring you Chocolate Covered Musings, candy for your brain. new musings! Send Nick feedback! I try to be calm with people who frighten very easily, because patience is a virtue. For example, once I had to wait patiently under this girl’s bed for eight hours before she finally came home. I find that little kids are just ungrateful. You try to do something fun for them and they repay you by vomiting on your shoes or something.
Hey, weren’t you just laughing hysterically for ten minutes while I was spinning you around in that chair? As I sat in the supermarket office and waited for the cops to arrive, a thought came to me. Maybe when they say “No purchase necessary,” it’s like some kind of code or something, and you’re not supposed to dump cereal all over the aisle to get the prize.
Maybe if they hadn’t taken away my little “Crunch-Berry Decoder,” I could have figured it out. Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting with could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs? The next time someone gets you really furious, just do what I do. Just look them straight in the eye for a few seconds, then yell, “Get to bed!”
I get very nervous when I have to speak in front of a large group, especially when I bust into a crowded theatre drunk and naked. I was trying to plant some seeds when Brian came in the room. I asked him if he knew where I could get some soil. He said yeah, outside. I hear they have a lot of dirt out there. Then he laughed. This shows how easy it is to figure something out if you just think about it for a minute. For example, what would be an easy way to kill that smart-ass Brian? It was really heartbreaking to see sad little Petey sitting in the sand crying his eyes out. I wanted to console him, and yet it was really his mistake to be sitting in my favorite swing. People think that I hear little voices inside my head telling me what to do. That’s ridiculous.
It’s more like a movie, with these little hamster guys that hold up charts and maps and other visual aids. You know, whatever they have to use. I wish I were the guy that wrote that “Roll Out the Barrel” song, because that is like the biggest polka song of all time. Then I could just sit back and watch it roll in. The money, I mean. Not the barrel. A good way to deal with a crisis is to relax, take a deep breath, and act like some kind of deranged chicken. When archaeologists discover a cave painting drawn by some primitive man, I bet they have to use bleach or something, because there’s no way that regular detergent is getting that stuff off.
If you can’t get to sleep, just dig yourself under your blanket and pretend you are buried under a huge mound of food and you have to eat your way to the surface. Whoa, look out for that patch of brussel sprouts. That was close. Once when I was a kid I threw a rock all the way across my yard and pegged a rat right in the head. Then I was really sad, because, hey, what if that was someone’s pet? What if some poor boy came looking for his little pet rat? Well, if he did, I would hit that jerk right in the head with a rock, too. It may surprise you to know that Olympic athletes of Ancient Greece competed while totally nude; except, of course, the bobsledders, who were allowed to wear hats.
If I may use an analogy, life is like a big thing that spins around really fast or something. I don’t know. I’m really bad at analogies. If you love something, set it free. Just make sure you are not near a freeway or anything. Sometimes, I play a little trick on people that makes them really mad. I call it “Whack with a garden shovel.” Well, it’s not really a trick. It’s just a whack with a shovel. It’s true that, as individuals, we can’t change the world. But if we band together, and lock arms in a line, we can play “Red Rover, Red Rover.” This was only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, I would have run down the street to loot the stereo store.
I have a bad memory, so I make up little rhymes to help me remember things. Like this: “You’re on parole for those things you stole so stop and think before you go hold up that truck-stop on the interstate.” I find that one of the most handy, helpful, useful, beneficial, advantageous, valuable items I have in my home is a thesaurus. The haunting fragrance of her perfume lingered with me long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had dissipated.
If you are searching desperately for the meaning of life, try the floor of my car, because there’s a lot of crap down there. Sometimes it’s hard for me to express to my girlfriend how much I love her, especially with that restraining order. So many of the world’s great inventions were conceived while the inventor was sitting on the john; including, I think, the plunger.
