Abstract: In every relationship, there are two halves. One you can control, yours and the other is controlled by the other half in the relationship. This paper will emphasis on what it takes to have a true relationship with someone, rather if it is a friend or lover all the components need to be in place just like the solar system with the planets aligned. If your planets are not aligned in a relationship, it is doomed to fail. This paper will discuss the methods that are valuable to have a long lasting relationship if properly put into place. Egocentricity, have power over and fear will break almost any relationship.
Kindness, independence and love will create the most beautiful relationship: an enduring romance. Relationships & Love Relationships and Love are one of the most important aspects in a person’s life. I am reading a great book titled The Mastery of Love by Ruitz. This book shows great analogies of love and relationships. One of my favorite discussions in the book relates to the ultimate relationship is between humans and man’s best friend-the dog. This might sound frivolous but if you can have a long lasting relationship with a dog, you can have one with anyone.
There are some essential rules of relationships and love one must follow but it like teaching an old dog a new trick. Types of Relationships Relationships between individuals start every day, from purchasing a cup of coffee at the local convenient store to being in a plane crash stuck on a deserted tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. While the later might be a less frequent, it will be a relationship with many individuals that last a lifetime. There are many types of relationships that can develop over a period of one’s life and I will discuss the most common.
Sibling A sibling relationship is between brothers and sisters, brother and brother, and sisters and sisters. The brother or the sister might be older or younger but they have an instant relationship as one is brought into the family. Sibling relationships persist over the entire life span for most adults. (Tetri, 2001). Sibling relationships in adulthood may be extremely close, or highly rivalries. The majority of sibling relationships in have been found to be close. (Cicirelli, 1991) At a young age, siblings can be a role model for a younger sibling.
Those siblings who are psychologically close to each other in adulthood tended to be that way in their childhood. It is rare for sibling closeness to develop for the first time in adulthood. (Dunn, 1984) Friendship There are many different levels of friendship. You could be an acquaintance with someone, you see in passing down the street or the local coffee shop. You could be a colleague with someone from work, school or church. The level of friendship is what is contained in the relationship and how it develops over a period of time.
You can develop a friendship at the barista at Starbuck’s if you are an avid coffee drinker and go there every morning; eventually the barista is going to remember you and the coffee selection you ordered. Friendship can develop from the first day of class. The first day of class the classroom is usually very quite. Until, you have broken the ice with the classmates and usually by class two it’s a loud ruckus in the room before the instructor enters. Here is an example of what true friendship should be and it come from the Bible. Jonathan and David, When David and Jonathan met; they became close friends at once.
Their friendship is one of the deepest and closest recorded in the Bible. They based their friendship on commitment to God, not to just each other. They let nothing come between them, not even career or family problems. They drew closer together when their friendship was tested. They remained friends to the end. Jonathan, the prince of Israel, later realized that David, and not he would be the next king. But that did not weaken his love for David, Jonathan would much rather lose the throne of Israel than lose his close friend. (Bible, New American Standard Edition, 1995).
Today, unfortunately friendship would not go to that level, we have close friendships but in society today not many would give up the throne for friendship. Marriage “I do” two of the life time commitment words many couples challenge. “I do”, is commitment towards your partner for the rest of your life till death do you part, in richer or poorer, in sickness and health. In today’s society marriage is very overrated, if you have a problem you go file for divorce instead of working on the issues. It’s OK to ask for help, although it is very hard for some people to ask for help.
There are many good benefits for a good marriage: 1. Married people live longer; single men have mortality rates 250% higher than married men; single women have mortality rates 50% than married women. 2. Approximately 40 percent of married people have sex twice a week compared to 20 to 25 percent of a single or cohabitating men or women. 3. Married persons are more likely to report feeling hopeful, happy, and good about them. 4. Married couples have higher incomes than single men and women. 5. Married men are more successful at work, getting promoted more often and receiving reviews than single counterparts. Maniatis, Weil, & Bondy, 2006) There are some benefits of being married, marriage is complicated. You have to find the right “life partner” that has the same intellect, values, morals, and dreams and want to succeed together. You have to be a team to survive in marriage. Just to get married and have an obstacle in marriage and get a divorce is not the answer you would want to portray on your children. You have to fight for equal justice in a marriage and be a positive role model for children and other young couples that look up to you. 6 Secrets to a Lasting Relationship
There are six steps that create a long lasting relationship. The structure of an intimate relationship rest on six pillars, which are the core of each of the 6 Secrets. Their initials form the acronym CREATES. Chemistry, Respect, Enjoyment, Acceptance, Trust and Empathy. (Goulston & Goldberg, 2001) CREATE We all want to feel a powerful chemistry for our mates-and to know what they feel for us. We all want to be respected by our partners-and to have respect for them. We all want to enjoy being with our beloved-and to be enjoyed. We all want to fully accept our mates-and to be fully accepted by them.
We all want to trust our partners-and be trusted by them. We all want to empathize with our lovers-to understand what they are thinking and feeling-and to have them know what it is like to be us. (Goulston & Goldberg, 2001) Chemistry Chemistry is defined as the study of matter and the changes it under goes. (Dictionary. com, 2009). One wants to think of chemistry in a relationship as a continuous attraction towards one another. You are eager to see that person as soon as they walk in the door; it’s like a magnet with a strong bond on the end.
Chemistry is not just an overpowering attraction to another person. It is also the feeling that he or she is as powerfully attracted to you. (Goulston & Goldberg, 2001) Chemistry has the ability to change from the fiery heat of fireworks to warm glow of a candle. It is only natural for the passion of early love to dissolve – and favorable to us, since our bodies could hardly stand up to the unending adrenaline rush. Respect R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me. (Redding, 1967). One of the tops hits of the 1960’s and still is played in the year 2009.
Aretha Franklin did not know she was singing the words to a song that would carry on for a lifetime. Respect is defined as a feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem willingness to show consideration or appreciation. (American Heritage Dictionary, 2001) Respect is so important it makes both partners feel better about themselves. Feeling respected enhances out self-respect-especially when it comes from someone we hold in high regard. Respect is the second pillar in a relationship. Enjoyment Enjoy: “to enter in to a state of “rejoicing. ” Enjoyment means taking delight in the other person.
Couples that enjoy each other tend to smile, laugh a lot, and they can’t wait to see each other. They enjoy spending time together rather it be the ballet or a day of NASCAR driving. They make compromises to make each other enjoy the moment. Acceptance Acceptance is to receive some one, we take them in. Being accepting is invigorating. You feel sage to be real, free to make mistakes, to be silly, to be quirky, and to reveal you bona fide individuality without running the risk of rejection. You have to accept your partner for who they are, that is why you fell in love with them.
You would not ask your dog to change would you or could they? They are who they are, accept it. If you cannot accept it, it might be time for you to move on. Trust Trust implies faith and confidence in a person. You can trust on many different levels. Depending on the situation, depends on how and who you trust. You trust the barista to make your cafe latte with skim milk as requested. This is a simple trust factor. You trust your significant other to pay the rent. That is a huge trust factor as you do not want to live under the bridge down the street. These examples define two levels of trust.
If trust is broken in a relationship it takes many steps to mend the relationship. Empathy Empathy is not just a necessary ingredient for a healthy and lasting relationship; it is a practical tool for achieving it. Empathy involves briefly relinquishing your own points of view to tune into someone else’s. Empathy is not a way of behaving; it is a way of perceiving. Experiencing something the way someone else experiences it is a tuning in process, not an analytic process. (Goulston & Goldberg, 2001) It is a challenge to be in there shoes and experience things the way they process thoughts, ideas, and feelings.
Empathy enhances emotional connection, creating in most cases not only understanding but a deeper love and better companionship. Types of Love The only way to master love is to practice love. You don’t need to justify your love, you don’t need to explain your love; you just need to practice your love. (Ruiz, 1954) To master any type of love or relationship, you first must be aware of it. There are relationships we are born into, such as family. There are relationships that are acquired, from outside the family relationship. There are two parts to a relationship, your part and there part.
You have many relationships each day which include two people- yourself and the new relationship and no more than two people. This will start how we begin to fall in love. Intimacy Without emotional trust, you cannot have emotional intimacy. You might have sex, you may respect, enjoy and accept one another; but if one or both of you is withholding trust on an emotional level, something precious will be absent and you will yarn for it, even if you can’t quite identify what’s missing. Inside both men and women live two conflicting needs: for intimacy and for independence.
Intimacy tends to mean more for women and independence means more to men. Women act more emotional when rejected by their man. Men react more strongly when their mates threaten their autonomy. Romantic Love Romantic love came from the ancient Greek philosophy and literature. Many think of romantic love in ways of poems, plays and fables that were developed in the Romanticism era. Many songs, poems and plays today are about love and when the love fails. Sexuality and infatuation go hand in hand with romantic love. When you are in romantic love you have many feelings, fear, anger, sexual desire, joy, and jealousy.
In society today, many believe that romantic love is most important the reason to get married. Affectionate Love Affectionate love also known as companionate love. It is a feeling towards another that is a deep fondness, feeling or emotion toward one. In the Bible, having so fond an affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also out own lives, because you had become very dear to us. (1Thessalonians 2:8). Affectionate love is the true meaning of any relationship; it is a building block for an ideal relationship. You must have affectionate love in a relationship to make it an everlasting one.
Love Triangle Three key elements-intimacy, passion and commitment form the triangle of love. Relationships based on a single element are less likely to survive than ones based on two or more. Couples with a similar triangle tend to be more satisfied in their relationship that couples with dissimilar thoughts. Forms of Love Elements Romantic LoveIntimacyPassionCommitment Compassionate LoveDecision/ Commitment Fatuous Love (Whirlwind Romance)PassionDecision/ Commitment Consummate LoveIntimacyPassionDecision/ Commitment Figure 1 (Maniatis, Weil, & Bondy, 2006) Intimacy Liking, Friendship PassionDecision/Commitment
Infatuation, LustCommitment to stay in relationship Figure 2 (Maniatis, Weil, & Bondy, 2006) Love and relationships are a very complicated matter. There are many aspects that go hand in hand to have the perfect love and relationships. It is just not one component, there are many as discussed in this paper. You have to put the entire component together to form the perfect love and relationship. I am not saying there is the perfect love and relationship but as long as you put together and practice some of the components you can start to build the ideal relationship with God in your heart and it will keep on forever.
You must have God in your heart to start the relationship and the other will come hand in hand as long as you practice all the components. References American Heritage Dictionary. (2001). New York City. Bible, New American Standard Edition. (1995). The Bible. In The Bible (pp. 474 1 Samuel 18:1- 9). Grand Rapids: Zondervan. Cicirelli, V. (1991). Sibling relationships in adulthood. Marriage and Family Review , 291-310. Dictionary. com. (2009, August 3). Retrieved August 3, 2009, from An ask. com website: www. dictionary. com Dunn, J. (1984). Sibling Studies and the development impact of critical incidents. In &. O. P. B.
Baltes, Life Span Development & Behavior (Vol. 6). Orlando, FL: Academic Press. Goulston, M. M. , & Goldberg, P. (2001). The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship. New York City: Berkley Publishing Group. Maniatis, A. , Weil, E. , & Bondy, N. (2006). Love Notes. San Francisco: Chronicle Books. Redding, O. (Composer). (1967). RESPECT. [A. Franklin, Performer, & Unknown, Conductor] Los Angeles, CA, USA. Ruiz, D. M. (1954). The Mastery of Love; The practical guide to the art of relationships. San Rafael CA: Amber Allen Publishing. Tetri, D. (2001). Retrospect and prospect in the study or sibling relationships. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.
