If I asked you what love is, what would you say?
You might not be able to express it in words, but if you were to answer with a picture, what would it be? Your favourite dog or cat, the house you grew up in, the warm, familiar hug of your grandmother or the smile on your lover’s face when they look at you?
What if I told you that love is none of those things and yet all of those things? What if I told you that even though you have been in love, you didn’t know what it was. For it’s possible to experience something without understanding it but with understanding, comes a deeper level of experience.
We often get carried away with our emotions because we’re drunk on the fantasies of the one we desire. They’re constantly on our minds but ironically, what we’re thinking about is ourselves. How happy they make us feel or could make us feel if they did this or that.
But the thing is Love is not about you, it’s about the other person
It’s not about getting, it’s about giving, wholeheartedly without expecting anything in return. Yes, without expecting anything in return. Love is like a gift. It is the only gift we give that remains with us, to carry around in our hearts. But like most gifts, it is the other person’s to do with as they want. And yes, they can decide they don’t want it. When you start thinking of ways to get them to feel the same way then it becomes about you and what you want. And that is not love, it is manipulation.
So when you do nice things for that person, what is your motivation? Is it to make them happy? If your motive is to influence how they feel about you, then you’re expecting something in return.
I get that this notion of giving love ”freely” might seem detrimental to your heart, but it’s not.
If everyone gave love without expecting it back, everyone would get love without having to demand it.
Love doesn’t seek to bind, it allows the other its freedom…to leave or stay
As the cliché goes, ‘’if you love someone, set them free…’’. It’s easy to give this advice when it’s someone else’s relationship, but flip the script and we’ll be the ones holding on tighter than a drowning man.
The ‘’in love” feeling is a lot like a drug. It leaves you intoxicated on some kind of emotional high that you get addicted to and like any junkie will tell you, it is difficult to stay away from your ”fix”. That explains why breakups can hurt so much. So yeah, I get it.
But love is understanding that no one should remain in your life to make YOU happy. They should leave if it makes THEM happy. It is wanting the best for the other, even if they decide that their best is NOT you. This can be painful to deal with, the knowledge that the one you love, wants someone else. It can leave you feeling inadequate and unworthy but it’ll help to know that their choice isn’t necessarily a reflection of your worth.
You can be perfect without being someone’s kind of perfect.
To truly love another, you must love yourself first
What does it mean to love yourself?
It is feeling complete even though you don’t have everything you want. It is feeling beautiful even with your scars and flaws. Loving yourself means being the source of your happiness, that way your relationship status never tips the balance. You’re happy to be with someone and you’re just as happy to be by yourself (notice I didn’t say to ‘’be without them’’) because it’s not about their presence or absence. It’s about the fact that your happiness can’t be taken away from you because it was not given to you.
People are going to come into your life and not every one of them will stay. Loving yourself is realizing that YOU are the only constant factor in your life. Until you get to that point, loving another will be a weak, desperate attempt at seeking validation. You’ll think you love them but what you love is the newfound sense of importance you feel because someone is paying you some attention. I say this because it is impossible to give to another that which you cannot give yourself.
Everyone proclaims ‘’self-love’’ these days, yet most find it difficult to walk away from situations that threaten their peace and emotional well-being. Ultimately, the way you allow people to treat you is the true reflection of how you feel about yourself.
If you’re constantly dependent on someone else for your happiness, love will always be something you chase. But when you’re the source of your happiness, love becomes something you give.
Love is more than a feeling, it’s a decision.
Feelings are very fickle, they come and go. So basing your commitment to someone on how you feel alone is like trusting the weather to always be bright and sunny. But sometimes it rains, sometimes it’s dark and cloudy, sometimes there’s thunder and lightning. The point is no matter how many butterflies are in your belly right now, you’re not always going to feel that way. Question is what happens when you don’t?
But when love is a decision you’re compelled by a force greater than your feelings, your will. And so you’ll find that you love the person even when their actions aren’t likeable. You’ll love them when they’re cheerful & cute and when they’re annoying & rude. You’ll love them when they’re cocky & confident and when they’re weak & insecure. You’ll love them when they’re laughing at your jokes and when they’re snoring loudly at three in the morning. You’ll respect their wildest dreams and understand their deepest fears.
When love is a decision, you accept them completely. You don’t get to choose what parts you want.
A broken cistern cannot hold water, a broken heart cannot give love
I’ll be honest, love in the real sense of it puts you at the risk of getting hurt. And when you’ve been hurt once or twice, it’s normal to become guarded with your emotions. But there is a thin line between being guarded and being defensive. The former helps you to be more perceptive in your choice of a potential partner while the latter makes you build walls around your heart, complete with barbed wires to protect you from getting hurt.
Being guarded comes from a position of strength while being defensive comes from a position of fear. You might think that the right person will be able to break down your walls, cross seven seas and slay three dragons just to get to your heart. Pop culture and romance novels will make you believe that it’s a just cause for the one who’s worthy. But the truth is, in real life that could be exhausting for the one who’s trying. They might very well wonder if it is worth it and it won’t mean that they don’t love you. People are just more willing to give love to someone open to receiving it.
So yeah, the walls that you’ve put up might protect you but they’ll also prevent love from getting to you.
If you’re dealing with past hurt that’s preventing you from being open and vulnerable, take some time out where you’re deliberately single so you can focus on yourself and heal. Getting into another relationship before you’re emotionally ready could be disastrous for the other person.
Like a wounded lion, hurt people, hurt other people. And a broken person can only give brokenness.
If you’re reading this, I hope that you experience love in all its fullness, beauty and power.
There are too many mediocre things in the world, love shouldn’t be one of them.
