It is a pleasant day. You are in a classroom having a nice discussion with your classmates. Everybody is laughing and enjoying the time together. The birds outside are chirping and the celestial bodies are in perfect alignment. Life is good. You kick back and place your sore, overworked feet on a nearby desk to relax. Suddenly, the sky outside turns black. The birds flee in terror and everyone looks at you aghast. Some of the ladies begin to cry in pity. You wonder what is wrong and then realize as the thundering voice of Mr. Ron “Bennie” Hill blasts through the grim classroom what has occurred. “You got thirty!”
In this day and age there are many calamities in the space/time continuum, but none as severe as a dreaded “thirty”. A thirty is the seemingly short but immeasurably long detention received when an individual earns the wrath of the tyrannical Mr. Hill. Though many strive to avoid the terrible thirty, it is my job to investigate it as a phenomenon for I am a Trientologist. Trientology is a branch of science that has existed for approximately two days and is devoted to the study of the thirty phenomenon. But, to study the nature and effects of a thirty one must first obtain one. Fortunately, the currency with which to buy a thirty is plentiful and diverse.
The first way to earn a thirty is to say something shamelessly unpleasant about the University of Oklahoma. Start by sitting upright and straightening your back, thus allowing the diaphragm a full range of movement. With a certain and definite tone of voice, make the accusation that OU is defunct, maladjusted, or generally bad in any way. Some examples would be: “The University of Oklahoma is a place where befoulers of small furry creatures attend to further their evil hobbies,” “OU has a male athletic department that participates as if they were all 60-pound schoolgirls stricken with agoraphobia,” and “All you get at OU is BS.” With these fine examples and a little creativity, you will easily be able to earn a thirty.
Do not worry about being in Mr. Hill’s presence during the delivery of the statement as any such remark made in the Western Hemisphere can be heard by his selectively sensitive ears.
Another option you can try is to use as many variations of the word “suck” as possible in a sentence. Again assume a proper declarative position and say confidently the word by itself or, if you wish to be more creative, an adjustment on the regular verb connotation. You can use the word as a compound noun: “Mr. Hill is a strange and greasy crackerspawning emu-suck.” Another use is as an adverb: “This is yet another unacceptable and sucky piece of nonsense assigned to us by a moron.” If you would like to make absolutely certain your statement receives a thirty, use an overkill statement consisting of both techniques: “You are the suckiest suck that ever sucked a suck.” By consistent and innovative use of the word, you will have a thirty in no time.
Also, it is important to remember the use of inanimate objects when acquiring a thirty. Student desks are nice to use, as placing any bodily appendage onto their surface would be substantial enough for a thirty. By flicking a small wad of notebook paper at a classmate, you can ensure your place in Trientological study. By far the most effective means of receiving a thirty is to heave a 70-kilogram Eastern Siberian Yak at a somewhat distant trashcan and miss. Using any of these fine objects will be a certain ticket to “Thirtyland”.
Thus, the process of accruing a thirty or many thirties is a very simple, yet diverse job. With the numbers of declared Trientologists up to two, it is no doubt that the future of the science is set in stone for generations to come. As many more people go out to investigate the art of getting a thirty, originality and creativity will be the key. So, the next time you are curious about Trientology, simply use any of the above-mentioned techniques, and, if Mr. Hill sees this essay, I will no doubt be there to answer any questions you might have.
