“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” I woke up to the familiar sound of the lady singing from my alarm clock. It was two days after Christmas, 8:00 a.m. in the morning. Slowly, I got out of bed, murmuring about why I had to wake up when I wasn’t in school anymore.
Crawling up the stairs to the dining room, I could hear my father in the kitchen, ready to start our day. The plans for the day were significant in my life and had the potential for a major impact. I often question if I should have been more obedient to my parents or if I made the right choices, as I was an independent individual.”
My father taught me the significance of being active during my upbringing, emphasizing that not participating in activities like sports or art would result in a purposeless and uninformed life. As a result, I grew up with the responsibility to pursue careers in ballet and golf.
In contrast, my mother took a more feminine approach, focusing on teaching me table manners, etiquette, and proper behavior for women. She passed on her dream of becoming a ballerina to me while my father passed on his dream of becoming a golfer.
Weighing the advantages and disadvantages of both competitive worlds was challenging until one day I made the decision to prioritize my own desires over fulfilling my parents’ aspirations for themselves.
Following the Christmas holiday, I found myself grappling with a major dilemma – experiencing a teenage version of a midlife crisis. Having finished high school and dabbling in college, I was torn between two options: going back to academics or heeding my father’s wish for me to pursue golf, while simultaneously dedicating myself fully to ballet as my mother desired.
Sponsored by a group of Korean parents who were passionate about golf, the day began with a golf competition for young adult females. It felt like being on a stage in front of a large audience, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around me. At times, I considered sneaking away to the snack shop and never returning to the golf course.
By 9:00a.m., my father and I arrived at the Palos Verdes Country Club where half of the team was already practicing, stretching or feeling anxious. If I couldn’t find joy in this mini-tournament, how could I ever compete at a national or international level as a professional golfer? It didn’t make sense to me.
“Don’t be nervous. Just focus on the ball and keep your head still when you hit it. That’s all! I believe in you, my little angel!” My father clearly failed to understand my thoughts and emotions from my facial expressions.
Feeling exhausted and defeated after three long hours, I was convinced that I didn’t belong. In a hushed voice, I confided in my dad, “Dad…I’ve already told you I can’t handle this. Golf is meant for taller and stronger girls. Everyone here is much bigger than me.” My dad responded with a sad smile and advised me, “Let’s leave now. You need to go home, take a shower, and prepare for your ballet audition.” Struggling to carry the golf bag to the car, I couldn’t help but question why this situation felt so coerced and unjust.
My father and I arrived at the Rose Theater at 2:00p.m. to attend the Asian American Young Ballerina Corporation Audition, which was seeking members for a prestigious Korean group. As the auditions were about to begin, I felt nervous once again. Before entering, I caught a glimpse of my watery and red eyes in the wall reflection outside, caused by the heavy makeup and eyeliner that made it hard for me to recognize myself. Nevertheless, I remained determined and quietly expressed to my father,
“Dad, I’m not going to go in. I think this is enough,”
My dad surprisingly understood my thoughts without much communication and simply held my hand as we returned to the car.
After taking one of the longest showers ever, my dad had a separate conversation with my mom.
To this day, they have never directly asked me what prompted me to abandon everything I had learned.
However, when questioned about the situation, my parents always state that they were self-centered and the best thing they could do for their daughter was allow her to pursue her desires.
