In studying the attachment theory as perhaps best described by John Bowlby, it is important to note that the central theme or tenet of this theory revolves around the mother-child bond and the importance of this bond to the growth and development of the child. Bowlby asserts that the maternal presence and influence upon children is essential and cannot be removed without a serious damaging effect on the health and well being of the child. This is not to say that a person other than the biological mother can fulfill the maternal role, however one has to admit that it is often difficult to impossible to swap out the actual biological mother with another person who can fulfill the maternal role as well as the mother can, for example, in the instance of healthy continual breastfeeding. The foundation of this theory lends insight into the importance of the care of mothers, taking great attention that women are supported in their very important functions of being mothers to their children, as well the importance of the care of children; the relationship between mother and child, especially in the early years, is an extremely vital and sensitive bond, not to be broken or disturbed, but rather nourished and nurtured.
Amidst the discussion of dependence versus independence, it is highly significant to recognize the validity of not taking either of these extreme views in regard to relations between individuals, rather to recognize the balanced, healthy, middle ground of people who realize their personal and unique interdependence with other human beings. The mother and child relationship can be a model of the changing, flexible, unique and vital interrelationship. Although this relationship may be changeable throughout the lives of mother and child, it is none the less always significant. Bowlby places great importance most specifically on the attachment between mother and child from conception to the school aged child, and affirms that if prolonged or complete separation between mother and child were avoided, then many cases of neurotic character development would be avoided (Holmes). It’s important to note that for many women who would like to spend most of their days and nights with their young children, it would almost always require the presence of a supporting husband in order for the healthy interdependence and attachment between mother and child to work and blossom effectively. The family unit as a whole has to be seen within the attachment theory proposed by Bowlby. The father has as much of a duty and responsibility to his wife and child as the mother does to the husband and child, each person serving the other in their own unique and vital family functions. When the parents are separated, this does not in any way relieve the two parents of their duties to one another and their child, rather makes them more painfully noted. The family unit as a system fits nicely and necessarily into the theory of attachment, and the three point relationship between father, mother, and child must be viewed carefully and frankly in regard to providing the best and most optimum care for all involved parties.
In a study of couples who were expecting a baby, from pregnancy through birth and early child rearing, it is clear that individuals with attachment anxiety and avoidance issues themselves which were noted before the birth of their child had trouble attaching to both the partner and child after the birth, displaying behaviors such as jealousy of the infant, perceived lack of support received from the partner, and troubled emotional intimacy with the baby. The emotional responses of new parents to their children were compromised in the cases where parents had ongoing attachment problems with their own parents (Wilson). This study does not mean that answers can be found in the past, in delving into what was or what should have been, rather it places significant importance on the need for young parents to consider their own emotional health and to create meaningful attached relationships now in the present, with the spouse, with parents, friends, whoever can have a meaningful effect on the level of emotional intimacy and attachment which is able to be reached. Again, this is not to place more stress on either of the negative extremes of dependence or independence, rather it is a call to understand and value the special, unique, and vital roles which people play in their interdependence to one another, the interrelationship between individuals in families, and to place a high level of stress on the sensitive and vital bond between mother and child.
Practitioners can most certainly utilize the highly popular theory of attachment. Not many theories remain consistently valued and studied, and this is one which appears to have ongoing significant value in the world of coaching, counseling, and psychology. In coaching the individual from an attachment theory perspective, it is always good to remember the value of the client-coach bond, to bring attachment into the therapeutic relationship, however, it is also good to note that the therapist should not assume the role of the parent or the friend. Roles should always be kept as therapist and client and should not violate ethical standards of practice in regard to dual relationships and relational boundaries. When counseling, a practitioner needs to value the unique situation of the client. Not every person is going to walk into the office with the same attachment issues. For example, the client initiating services could be an adult man who struggles with the relationship with his mother, an adoptive parent who fears the baby has anxiety issues post adoption, a young single working mother who knows she’s jeopardizing the health of her children by being gone nine hours a day, etc. For each case, valuing the essence of attachment between people, the systemic, interdependent, interrelationship between individuals and family members is essential.
It’s important to note that valuing interdependence and the interrelationship between individuals and family members does not mean valuing forced relationships or governmental control aimed at organized socialized righting of the wrong in regard to justice between people. Essentially, it is up to the individuals to create better lives for themselves. Coaches can sit by and help, cheer people on and help to be guides in their lives, but forced control or manipulation of any kind by the therapist or any other person in regard to bettering the life of the client should be avoided. Placing significant importance on people taking charge of their own lives, living lives well, and valuing their family, social, and work relationships and interdependence is not something that can be given or fixed from the outside. Therapists and other outside individuals must recognize the importance of valuing the people who come into their offices, and valuing them entails allowing them to make their own life choices and decisions. Active and effective coaches are ones who provide positive support and encouragement in helping clients to find their own solutions to their life problems but who do not assume roles which do not belong to them. Understanding attachment and its effect on the individual and the family is essential in being able to provide this positive support.
Attachment theory is obviously related to many psychological theories and techniques, including and not limited to systems, narrative, person centered, REBT, psychodynamic, psychosocial, developmental, etc. The interrelationship of people must be healthily and solidly built on teamwork, autonomy, rationality, gender differences and family systems, and the healthy developing of the human person with a deep comprehension of healthy human needs and desires. Building a case for mental, emotional, behavioral, and spiritual health and wellness from the point of view of attachment theory is a very colorful and powerful perspective. Valuing mother nature’s very first and intimate bonds, the deep giving of self between husband and wife and the subsequent new birth of a person, is essential to the modern practitioner and the modern world. Only when the relationships between people are understood and cherished, in all of their unique and wonderful simplicities and complexities, can people really stand with their heads held high and know that they are doing the very best for one another.
References
Holmes, J. (1993). John Bowlby and Attachment Theory. Routledge.
Wilson, C. (2007). Labor, delivery, and early parenthood: An attachment theory perspective. Personality and social psychology bulletin 33(4), 505-518.
