The theory of neurosis.
In developmental psychology, Karen Horney emphasized the significance of childhood perceptions of society, particularly involving parents. She introduced the notion of neurotic needs in daily life and took a more relaxed stance on neurosis. The later neurotic tendencies seen in adults can be traced back to the indifference that parents with their own neurotic tendencies impose on their children. Horney emphasizes the destructive “cycle” that families may foster if they neglect self-reflection. According to her, nurturing yet firm parents should allow children to express their true selves while making an effort to acknowledge and address their own psychological wounds from childhood for effective support.
According to Horney, it is important for children to develop a sense of self-worth and trust in others’ recognition of their value. When disciplining our own children, we often mimic our parents, but it is crucial to consider which lessons are beneficial to pass on and which ones should be disregarded. These methods can aid in the growth of mentally healthy individuals who will eventually attain self-fulfillment. However, if parents fail to acknowledge their child’s need for approval, use conditional love as manipulation, show little interest or excessive criticism towards them, or prove untrustworthy, these circumstances may result in neurotic tendencies.
They may develop a tendency to “move toward” or comply with the dissatisfactory atmosphere, “move against” or be overly assertive to the point of dismissing emotion, or even become “detached” by retreating within themselves to avoid interaction and emotional trauma. This is evident in everyday life when we encounter individuals who choose to argue with everyone before being asked a question. We witness it in people who choose to isolate themselves at home instead of meeting new people or attending parties. We also observe it in individuals labeled as cold-hearted or emotionless, when they are actually struggling with their own past neurosis. Horney has provided valuable insights into our own unhealthy urges and those exhibited by those around us.
Self therapy and the idea of being able to heal ourselves was a significant concept introduced by Karen Horney. She emphasized the importance of self-help and acquiring the necessary tools and knowledge. Despite facing criticism from her colleagues, Horney’s theory reveals the potential for self-analysis and achieving self-actualization. Unlike a therapist who has limited opportunities to observe a patient, we have constant access to ourselves, making self-therapy even more advantageous. To effectively engage in self-therapy, it is crucial to recognize our own neurotic tendencies and understand their origins. The ultimate objective is to establish balance between our sense of self and our ideal self, reaching our core being. This core self represents our natural and healthy state, embodying our true essence. Overcoming societal influences and external judgment is essential in viewing ourselves realistically. Horney refers to this internal struggle as the tyranny of the shoulds, where we battle between society’s perceptions of us and our own desired perception.
We all engage in an ongoing internal struggle between two ideas. The goal is to cease the swinging of the pendulum between these two and achieve a state of equilibrium, where we can perceive ourselves realistically. Some individuals may believe that others view them as kind, generous, and loving, yet still fret about their performance in these areas. I think this anxiety stems from the desire to conceal our authentic selves. There are instances when I worry that a remark I made may have been perceived as harsh by someone else. This apprehension arises because I see myself as an impartial individual, and the notion of others perceiving me as angry and judgmental is disconcerting. To discover my own balance, it is necessary for me to accept that there are times when I can be critical and severe, even towards myself.
Horney argues that compliance is one of the three main coping mechanisms in response to the negative effects of our childhood perceptions. This mechanism entails a neurotic need for approval, a partner, and/or withdrawal from society. Although everyone may experience these feelings occasionally, individuals with a neurotic personality take it to another level by unconsciously making decisions based on this coping mechanism. Personally, I have a history of depending on men and being unable to be alone, although I have forced myself to spend long periods of time alone to address this irrationality. The distinction between myself and a typical neurotic personality is that they are unaware of their situation and their irrational need. They tend to be conforming, reliant on others, and constantly seek positive reinforcement.
People who constantly seek approval from others rely on it for their survival, leading them to have false beliefs about life. They may think others are superior or that finding love will make them normal. However, even when they achieve their goals, they still feel empty and unsatisfied, perpetuating the cycle. We all know someone who becomes overly clingy after a single date, bombarding the person with calls and texts and obsessively stalking their social media. This approach is counterproductive for finding love as suffocating someone pushes them away. Yet, individuals with this neurotic behavior cannot let go of their need for approval. They focus more on the idea of love than genuinely caring for the person they pursue, ultimately repelling those they desire to be close to.
The aggressive coping strategy entails a desire for domination, control, power, prestige, admiration, and achievement. Individuals with an aggressive neurotic type believe that surpassing others in all aspects will shield them from the pain of rejection. They are often described as egotistical. While their goal is to excel in everything they do, it can be counterproductive as they perpetually face new competitions and cannot outdo themselves. Their drive to succeed stems from insecurities and internal anxiety they seek to compensate for. This response is analogous to the fight or flight instinct in animals and arises from a hostile reaction to their parents’ indifference. The resulting anger motivates the neurotic aggressive individual to become superior to those around them. Thus, it bears resemblance to Freud’s anal retentive personality type in their need for external control.
Instead of exerting control over their physical environment, individuals with this behavior feel the need to dominate their social surroundings. This behavior is reminiscent of Freud’s oral aggressive personality type, which is characterized by being controlling and domineering. I have previously classified my husband as fitting this type, and I can also relate him to Horney’s aggressive category. His greatest fear revolves around making poor judgments, not only for himself but for others as well. Criticizing others based on this fear is his primary tendency. He firmly believes that he possesses greater intelligence than those around him, particularly in relation to his work. He derives pleasure from bragging about his personal achievements and may come across as arrogant. Although he does display certain neurotic tendencies, I am gradually assisting him in overcoming them.
Another form of response to parental indifference is withdrawal. This refers to individuals who consider themselves loners and believe they can rely solely on themselves. They deliberately detach themselves emotionally to protect themselves from potential pain or disappointment caused by others. While it’s healthy to a certain extent, excessive self-reliance can become a lifestyle choice with negative consequences. It can result in closing oneself off from new experiences, people, and a better way of life. These individuals may think that the world perceives them as highly capable and independent, but deep down they feel the need to further distance themselves from society. Interestingly, they convince themselves that they are devoid of emotions, although they truly care about maintaining their independent image. They can also become excessively sensitive to criticism, often displaying defiance towards society out of fear of rejection. Ultimately, they have essentially withdrawn from society as a means of avoiding it altogether.
The concept of withdrawal is similar to compliance and aggression in that individuals who exhibit withdrawal behavior may be attempting to control their environment by limiting it or striving for perfection. It can be seen as a reaction to experiencing negative outcomes from compliance or aggression. By recognizing the negative results of compliance or aggression, individuals may choose to take a different approach and become withdrawn. However, this can be seen as swapping one neurosis for another, ultimately leading to an unhealthy cycle. Personally, I have gone through phases of the withdrawal cycle and have been resistant to asking for help because I perceive dependency as a sign of weakness. I still tend to view those who frequently ask for help as weak individuals. It took me thirty years to realize that everyone needs assistance at times and it is perfectly acceptable to seek help from others.
