When bad things happen to us in life we often wonder what we did to deserve the foul treatment. We wonder if we did something wrong in the past and if it is catching up to us or we wonder if we brought it all on ourselves. It is a natural human reaction for one to blame oneself when something unfortunate happens. This is especially the case when you are in a friendship with a toxic person. During my formative years I befriended many people I did not care for, but this situation was extreme in the case of the emotional stress caused. By identifying a person as toxic, it helps resolve the dysfunctional relationship that is apparent.
In high school I just left a group of friends that had different moral values than me and different taste in things. We did not leave on a specifically sour note, for, I understood why they liked the things they liked and did the things they did, I just wanted to be friends with someone that had more in common with me. After a couple of weeks of unfamiliar solitude a girl that moved from northern Arizona came into my life like a movie trailer. She was engaging yet I sat there hesitantly wondering if I wanted to see more of her or not. Nothing particular stood out about her, she was a tall, blonde with a face that read ‘I have a bad attitude’ but other than that she seemed like a normal American teenager that you would perhaps see in the background of a late 1990s teen drama.
I was in no desperate need of friends but I felt compelled to speak with her. Our initial conversation was brief and awkward, like most ones are with millennials, but like we were following an invisible contract, we ate lunch together for the rest of the semester. When school reopened in January me and the girl hung out maybe four times over the winter break and during those times I felt like being myself was a problem to her. Not to sound whiny, but everytime I would laugh too loud, or make a joke she did not approve of, she would 2 critique me. The worst part is, if I called her out on it, she would victimize herself and turn it into me attacking her. It was a dirty mind trick that made me feel trapped in a cycle of savior and damsel. This was a friendship, not a romantic relationship, why was I feeling trapped and attached to this person at the same time? The first day back from winter break, I confronted her without caring about her victim game. I told her that she was emotionally abusing me and that our friendship was toxic. Like expected, she victimized herself and claimed that I was too aggressive with her, and as a response I told her that I do not think we are a good fit as friends and that we should end it. It was one of the hardest things I have done, but it was a relief. I was free.
The lesson in that narrative was that just because a relationship is not romantic does not mean that it is exempt from being abusive. Friendship is a deep emotional connection that has similarities that mirro romantic relationships. A good thing to do in all forms of relationships whether it is friendship, romantic, child-parent, or anything in between is that when the other person is making you feel bad for everything you do and everything is your fault, you need to end it. We all have the power to live happy lives and in order to start our journey towards it we have to take power into our own hands.
Lessons learned in life often come after unfortunate events. Not all relationships are the same and comparing what you are going through with social stigmas and outlines will only isolate you further from reality and the truth. That is important to note because instead of regretting every decision made, you can turn your bad experience with a person, place or thing into a learning experience. Life is about turning negatives into positives and having the option to educate others that were just as lost as you were.
