Are we born with a certain attachment and does It reflect In our romance relationships? A psychologist, Phillip Shaver, uses models of attachment that he studied from childhood and applied to the differences of attachment in adult relationships (Freidman & Shattuck, 2012). He discusses the 3 styles of attachment, which are secure, avoiding, and anxious-ambivalent lovers. Although, Shaver founded these attachment styles, they are very similar to Karen Hornets basic anxiety theory. He describes the secure lovers to be extremely close In relationships.
Avoiding lovers feel uncomfortable when they become close to one another and have issues with trust. Lastly Anxious-ambivalent lovers are close to one another but scare away their partners due to Insecurity with the relationship. Researchers collected data across a 15-year span and concluded child-parent relationship and adult romantic relationship function correlate. They believe that your attachment style as a child will associate with your attachment style in relationships as an adult.
They also found that people with poor relationships with their parents also had poor relationships with each other (conger, shaver, Weidman, & Larsen-Ref, 2011) Growing up, my parents supported my sisters and I the best way they could. They were Involved In our lives and made It point to equally give attention to all three of us. Even though our environment was the same. We each had different attachment styles growing up. My older sister apparently was in the middle of reserved and outgoing; it depended on the situation.
In comfortable situations, she was extremely friendly and talkative. However with strangers, she was reserved and did not associate herself with others she did not know. When I was a child, I was the very outgoing and had the urge to speak to everyone in my path. Other than socially, I was also the most misbehaved out of my sisters. My little sister probably didn’t speak a word growing up unless It was with my close family. Everywhere we went she was always attached to my mom and completely scared to speak to anyone, even my relatives.
Now guess you can say we all are different people when it comes to our relationships. My older sister found her boyfriend in high school and now they have been together for eight years. When the relationship started my sister was very cared to tell her boyfriend how she felt; she felt that she would be Judged and not accepted and he was the same way. Maturing together. I believe that they both have grown to have secure attachments toward each other. They are honest with each other and are closer than ever.
They both had the same attachment styles growing up and now they have the same romantic attachment style. Although I was extremely outgoing as a child. I tend to be more reserved when it comes to my romantic attachment; but I do not believe this to be because of my relationship with my parents. I was bullied a lot in middle school and was cheated on y my high school boyfriend and believe those experiences played a huge part In my romantic attachment today.
With my next relationship, I dated a guy who had a secure attachment style and I was not used to it. I kept pushing away from him and he kept trying to get me to open up. It took me a while, but I learned to trust him a tofu and not be afraid to say what is on my mind and to get closer to those around me. Because of my past, I was always afraid to be myself and accept who I am, but this experience with this secure attachment helped me become more secure myself. Recently, I was dating a guy who happened to be extremely avoiding with our relationship.
I have known him for over four years and he has always been avoiding with any kind of relationship he makes family, friends, and even romantic. Already knowing what his attachment style was from our friendship, I decided to give us a try and see how it would work. He happened to bring back more of my avoiding side and I started to bring his secure side. We both learned to compromise with each other; however, it didn’t last too long. I started to become more secure as our relationship grew, and he started to push away, avoiding me.
In the end, we realized that we weren’t really meant for each other. Learning about these attachments allows me to be more observant of all of my relationships with not Just romantic ones, but friends and family as well. My sisters and I all have different attachment styles but we somehow made it work when were all together. Shaver’s theory is extremely fascinating and almost accurate with the majority of the population. I do completely agree with that your romantic attachment is solely based on your attachment as a child with your parents but I do agree that it plays a big role.
