Review:The essay is highly in need of editing. There are numerous corrections that need to be made.
Check the subject-verb agreements, tenses, grammar and sentence structures. This is very important. Although you get your message across, the use of the English language is poor. Be more academic.
The content is also highly off-track. You need to focus on your strengths. Indicate these strengths without making it seem like you are having too much hardships. The essay makes it seem like as though at the moment you are already having enough problems and hard times.
You need to give your background but also need to focus on WHY you want to get into UCLA. Why this school specifically? Try not to give only location as the answer. Make it come through that you’ve always wanted to go there and that this longing is coupled with the needs of your present situation. Use the fact that you work now as a supporting statement showing how diligent, industrious and hardworking you are.
Don’t appeal to emotion. This essay comes off like a poor-me essay. Be more aggressive. Make it seem like as though UCLA will benefit more if you are allowed to go to school there.
You need to come off more confident and more determined.Life back home in the Philippines for me was easy. I get up early in the morning and breakfast is serve already without me getting stress. I had a maid that do things for me back there.
I don’t need to worry about washing the dishes, washing my clothes or any day to day struggles that a normal American is use to. I don’t even had to worry about my financial aspect because I can just ask money from my mother and from my brothers we are professionals in there own fields. The only think that I should worry about is getting out of trouble and having my grades stay as high as possible. Well, when I was in grade school, I was a consistent top 1 in class and top 1 in all my subjects individually and in high school I graduated being the 3rd honorable mention out of 256 students in my senior batch.
After high school, I got the news from my father that I will be migrating here in the United States for good and that I would have to continue my study here. I’ve learned a lot since I migrated here. I live with my dad only here so I must adjust to the sudden change in a short period of time. I learned to be industrious, independent and be cautious of everything I do.
I started working at the age of 16 as a waiter in a Filipino restaurant. I’ve learned a lot since then. I learned the value of money and how hard it is to earn every penny. Now, I can say that I’m independent from my father except that we still live together.
I wash my own clothes, pay my own bills, earn my own money, pay my own tuition fees, wash my own dishes and still have time to study for my classes. I’m proud that at an early stage, I’ve seen life’s reality, the reality that sometimes you need to stand alone and learn things for yourself and in the end it would be a sweet success. I’ve said to myself that in the end no one can help me but myself because the harsh reality is that my parents are now in the mid 60’s and my brothers and sister have their own families to worry about. I’m proud to say that even though I work 2 jobs at the moment, I’m still in the top of my classes and now highly considering and hoping to transfer to a UC campus and continue my studies and my dream of becoming a lawyer for myself and for my family.
