Fear is a universal and pervasive emotion that exists within all individuals, regardless of its intensity. Although everyone experiences fear, some people may hide it better than others. Fear often begins in childhood and can appear as common phobias such as Snakephobia (fear of snakes) or Hypsiphobia (fear of heights). However, there are also less conventional fears like Hadephobia (fear of hell) or Heliophobia (fear of the sun). Personally, my main fear corresponds to a well-known phobia called Coulrophobia (fear of clowns).
During childhood, many individuals, including myself, develop coulrophobia that persists into adulthood. The early years are crucial for the formation of different fears. Personally, my phobia originated on October 31, 1997 when I was merely seven years old. On Halloween night, due to illness, my brother and I were unable to engage in trick-or-treating. While my mother and brother decided to watch a horror film together, I elected to stay in my room and delight in cartoons instead.
Feeling bored, I silently ventured out of my room to check on my mom and brother’s choice of entertainment. Curiosity piqued, I wondered if they were engrossed in a horror flick. Little did I know that they had settled on a film titled IT. As soon as I entered the room, a chilling scene unfolded before me—a clown emerging from a toilet to claim one of The Lucky Seven characters’ lives. The clown’s appearance is etched vividly in my memory: his face painted white, adorned with a large red nose and an eerie smile beneath it; his costume bursting with vibrant colors; his fingers and nails elongated and razor-sharp. Overwhelmed by fear, beads of sweat trickled down my face and chest.
I screamed and ran back to my room in fear when I first approached my next target from behind. This experience led to clowns having a significant negative impact on my childhood. Nightmares of clowns trying to kill me haunted me constantly. However, I realized over time that these nightmares were just products of my imagination. No matter how terrifying they became, I always woke up before they could escalate too much. As a result, I learned to confront and manage my fears. Soon after, my mother surprised us with tickets to the circus at the Black River Coliseum, which was incredibly exciting as it was my very first visit to a circus.
While watching a show, I was suddenly overtaken by fear and started crying and screaming due to the presence of clowns. The movie about the killer clown immediately came to mind, and from that point forward, I believed that every clown I encountered, whether real or fake, had malicious intentions towards me. It wasn’t until my baby brothers’ 2nd birthday party when I was eight years old that I truly comprehended the extent of how much my fear of clowns impacted me. As I brought out the remaining presents for the party, there was a clown entertaining the younger children by creating balloon animals. Witnessing him caused me to shiver and perspire, as I feared he would attack me while my back was turned.
I hurriedly left the gifts and quickly went inside, missing the rest of my siblings’ birthday celebration. Clowns have had a significant impact on my early years and still influence me today. Despite being 22 years old, I still have a strong fear of clowns. I constantly have nightmares where clowns try to hurt me. Currently, I have a 7-year-old daughter who is fascinated by circuses. So, for her sake, I must overcome my fears. Unfortunately, everything was going fine until the latest circus came to our town.
While attending a circus show with my daughter, she rode on one of the show elephants. Unexpectedly, I felt someone grab me from behind and instinctively responded by elbowing them in the stomach. Surprisingly, it happened to be a clown. Engrossed in the moment, I kept hitting the clown in the face until they fell to the ground. Regrettably, witnessing everything made my daughter cry. Consequently, this incident led me to find comfort by joining a support group for individuals suffering from coulrophobia. Within this group, we share our encounters with clowns and discuss our personal experiences.
Therapy has become my path towards conquering fear, a powerful and unsettling emotion that resides within us. Starting from my childhood, my greatest fear continues to have an impact on me presently. Regardless of the specific fears individuals may possess, there are always ways to confront them. Yet, for individuals like myself who require assistance in overcoming particular fears such as clowns, there remains a lingering sense of curiosity regarding what lies behind their concealed countenance.
