When does love become poison? Yes, you read it right. Love can indeed turn into poison. The thing that gives us all a reason to breathe can also become the same thing that chokes us to death. The dream we all want when we fall asleep can turn into a nightmare that may cause us not to wake up again.
Love is inevitable; it is everywhere and anywhere to be found. We all experience it, no matter how hard we try to detach ourselves from it. We may tell everyone that we cannot feel love, but once we do feel it, we cannot deny it to ourselves. We may try to conceal our feelings, but ultimately, we cannot fool ourselves.
However, we must be aware that strong emotions we cannot control can lead to pain and sorrow instead of happiness. Allowing ourselves to be consumed by our feelings and emotions can cause our brains to stop functioning properly, leading us into unwanted circumstances. Love has the power to fill our appetite, but it also has the power to starve us. Each of us has an appetite for love, similar to how we hunger when deprived of food. Normally, a person would do anything just to survive and avoid death. If I were asked, I too would do everything in my power just to stay alive.
Clemencia was deprived of the care and love of her parents. Her father passed away when she was still young, and her mother lived as if she had died with him. Unlike her sister, Clemencia was unable to detach herself from the pain of losing her father. Her hunger for love and attention led her into the arms of a married man named Drew.
The same thing happened to Nilda. She never liked staying at her mother’s place, so she grew up elsewhere. Even now, she doesn’t like staying in her mother’s apartment and prefers to sleep at Rafa’s instead. She feels completely secure when she is with Rafa because her mother was unable to provide that for her. Both Nilda and Rafa have gone through different struggles just to continue being loved by their partners. They no longer care if they are being used as long as their desires are being fulfilled. Although both of them have been intimate with others, their love for their partners has not changed.
However, they differ in the management of their affairs. Clemencia took Drew’s son and treated him very well. She even made love to the boy, doing everything she could to make him like her and love her as much as she loved and needed his father. Her love for Drew had become an obsession, driving her to want to control the boy’s life and make it dependent on her.
But Nilda was different. When Rafa died of cancer, she did not wreck others’ lives. Instead, she continued to do everything she could in order to survive. Her memories of how she imagined his goodness towards her became a sweet part of her past that she always reminisces whenever she thinks of him. Love is very powerful and once you are unable to contain it, it will explode. It might cause you wounds and pain but worst of all, it may kill you. While Nilda was able to let go of Rafa and continue living her life every day, Clemencia was unable to control her love and passion for Drew; so much so that she satisfied her hunger for him with his son.
My ex-lover always told me that making love is an expression of uncontrollable and strong emotions. However, we must not forget that making love without the presence of love is nothing but sinful lust. He believed that sex can never be satisfying enough if it’s done out of lust, out of the heat and urgency our bodies tell our minds. With the way these two ladies had their affairs, I couldn’t say who had more lustful experiences than love. Clemencia would make love to married men because it gave her an unexplainable feeling of joy and happiness knowing she was secretly punishing their wives – just like when they were giving birth to their children while their husbands were making love with her.
It was a success for her to keep these men away from their wives. On the other hand, Nilda had many relationships and made love with various men – older men, guys her age, and boys from different professions. Both did it for love but sometimes for temporary satisfaction. She never cared about their personality, character, background, wealth, family or any other factors that most women seek in their lovers today.
Every story has an ending, and not every good beginning ends happily. Life is never a fairytale. We are not princesses with fairy godmothers to rescue us whenever we have problems, nor are we princesses waiting for our prince charming to rescue us from our wicked stepmother. We live in a world full of misery that each of us must face every day to survive.
Everything on earth must be consumed in the right amount; anything that is neither less nor more is poisonous and even detrimental. Love is no exception to this rule. Love has the power to give life, but we must always bear in mind that it also has the same power to kill. Sometimes its power to kill is even more potent than its power to give life.
Sometimes love takes out life without even knowing it; it’s like a thief that comes secretly through the back door. You’ll only notice once it’s gone and off with your precious belongings.
We must learn to accept the fact that we can’t have everything in our hands. I still remember when Mommy would buy me a toy. She would always show me all the good stuff in the store and let me pick only one. It was so hard to choose which one to keep and which one to let go, but at the end of the day, I found myself at home playing with the toy I chose. Sometimes I was so happy with it that I took it with me to bed, but there were also times when I still had in mind the other one that I left at the store.
But there’s nothing I can do anymore. All I can say to myself is that I must be content with what I have beside me, no matter how much I want the other one. Now that I’m older, I just laugh at myself whenever I remember those days. How could I have had a dilemma between toys when other kids my age were already hunting for food, a place to stay, or something to keep them warm through the cold night breeze? Many children experienced this at an early age and probably are already working and earning money to feed themselves. But what’s worse than earning for oneself is having to work to provide for their family.
I realized that in order for us to grasp something better, we must let go of what we have in our hands. However, releasing other things does not guarantee that we will obtain the one thing we desire most. I let go of him because I knew he would never be mine. I willingly endured the pain and agony of not having him beside me on cold nights because I love him. You may think I’m crazy, but love truly makes the head spin and the mind numb.
Call me crazy if you want, but one thing I’m sure of: I’ll never be happy knowing that he will never be mine forever, no matter how much I let go of myself. No matter how right and true the feelings were, as long as it’s not the right time, then the whole relationship is not right. But letting him go didn’t change what I feel. I loved him. I still love him. And I’ll always love him even more when we’re apart. I may no longer do the same things as before, but my feelings will just grow even stronger.
To let go and sacrifice is the greatest form of love. No matter how hard we love someone, sometimes it’s not enough to keep them in our arms. Even if we give everything we have, it may not be enough to compensate for the fact that we cannot have that person. We must learn to accept that not every sacrifice leads to the reward we desire. We should be content with what we have and what is within our reach. Wanting something is different from becoming obsessed with it because when we crave more, we can turn into monsters or beasts who hunger or starve for anything that could satisfy us, even for a moment. That’s when love turns into bittersweet poison.
References:
- Cisneros, S. (1954). Never Marry a Mexican,” pages 109-119.
- Diaz, J. (1968). “Nilda,” pages 144-151.
