Have had a bad sense of self-concept for a far back as can remember. I have grown up with parents that have told me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it just about all my life. I let it spill over into my adult life as well. My mother controlled just about my every move up until just about five years ago. In turn I had little to no concept of who I was or will become it was whatever my mother wanted me to be or do for her. Finally broke free of her hold on me and started to view who I was and who I wanted to become.
It is still an ongoing struggle for me to figure this out. But am now becoming the woman that want to be by letting go of her and her control over me. Am back in school working on the degree that want to have. Am working on my relationship with my daughters and husband to be a good mother and wife to them as well as a good person to myself. Believe because of this type of upbringing I have become self-serving biased to a lot of things in my life. Loud almost always see others that have grown In their lives, like when my younger sister graduated from college I felt like a allure because I felt should have graduated before her because I was older than her. Instead of being happy for her and congratulating her on her accomplishments felt sorry for myself. This I think leads back to my mother telling me I would never make anything of myself and I should just go back to my husband and me a wife and mother and stay home like should be doing because I could never do anything else with my life. Eave since change my ways of thinking with a lot of help from my daughters and current husband. I tell myself often that I am a good person, I cannot control others but can control myself and not have someone else control me. Besides fueling the original anger, venting anger more often results in guilt, lowered self-esteem, mild depression, anxiety, embarrassment, and an exacerbation of the original conflict (Atavist, 1982: Overall, 1 982), This is how felt for many years, I had all of the above feelings growing up in a home where your mother resented the relationship I had with my father.
Many times I felt she did not want me around and tried to make my life misery telling my father lies of things that I did to make him mad at me. She would do just about anything to make him punish me, things my sister did she would tell him did and that made both my sister and very angry and most times my sister would be so angry that she would go out and do something else that was destructive and in turn my mother would tell my father that I did it. I ended up leaving home at 18 and did not come back for 4 years when my father had his first heart attack and ended up in the hospital.
