At 16 years old, I encountered a typical boy on my California farm. We frequently engaged in playful teasing, chasing, and fighting. However, despite our initial confrontation, we developed a strong bond and became inseparable. He became the person whom I entrusted with all my secrets and who attentively listened to everything I shared. He served as an exceptional sounding board for any discussion.
Despite having different sets of friends at school, our conversations at home always focused on our experiences in school. One day, I confided in him about the profound hurt and heartbreak caused by someone I had feelings for. In response, he provided comfort and offered words of encouragement that aided me in overcoming the pain.
Despite considering him a true friend and being genuinely happy, there was an undeniable attraction that brought me closer to him. Despite always being together in high school, including graduation night, I initially saw our bond as mere friendship. However, deep down, I knew my feelings were different. Even though we went with different prom dates, I longed to be by his side on graduation night. So after everyone left, I went to his house to express my desire to spend time with him. That evening gave me the perfect opportunity; however, all we did was sit together under the starry sky and discuss our future plans and aspirations. As I looked into his eyes and listened intently while he shared his dreams with me, my affection for him only grew stronger.
While he openly expressed his desires for marriage and success, I could only share my own dreams and take comfort in his presence. However, I left the encounter feeling hurt because I lacked the bravery to express my true feelings. Despite longing to confess my love during our time in college, various circumstances always prevented me from doing so, particularly his constant companionship. After we graduated, he secured a job in New York City. Although I was happy for him, there was also a hint of sadness as he departed without ever knowing about my genuine emotions. With his imminent departure for this significant career opportunity, I concealed my feelings and bid him farewell at the airport with tears streaming down.
That night, upon returning home, I wept over failing to reveal what lay deep within my heart. Nevertheless, I found employment as a secretary and gradually advanced to become a computer analyst—a milestone that filled me with pride.
Then one day, an invitation arrived in the mail—it was his wedding invitation. The news brought forth both joy and sorrow simultaneously.
Accepting that a romantic relationship with him was not possible, I acknowledged our fate as friends. Consequently, I attended his wedding the following month, an event of great significance held in a magnificent church. The reception took place at a hotel. During the ceremony, I had the chance to meet his bride and engage in conversation with him. Despite experiencing love all over again, I chose to suppress my emotions so as not to overshadow what should have been the happiest day of his life.
That night, despite my efforts to outwardly enjoy myself, internally it pained me to witness how blissful he appeared while I struggled to hide my sadness and tears. As I left New York, I firmly believed that my decision was justified. However, unexpectedly just before takeoff he hurriedly approached me to say goodbye and express his joy at seeing me.
Upon returning home, I consciously made an effort to erase the events in New York from my mind and focus on moving forward with my life. Over the following years, we continued exchanging letters where we updated each other on our lives. In these letters he admitted how much he missed our conversations.
I became increasingly concerned after sending six letters without hearing back, worried about his lack of response. However, just as despair began to consume me, a note arrived instructing me to meet him at our familiar spot by the fence. With a heavy heart, I found him there, overwhelmed with sadness and heartbreak. We held each other tightly until we ran out of breath. Eventually, he revealed that his prolonged silence was due to his divorce. He wept until he could cry no more.
We returned to the house where we once shared stories and laughter, catching up on each other’s lives amidst it all. Yet amidst it all, I couldn’t confess my true feelings for him. Over the following days, he seemed to temporarily forget about his troubles and divorce as we reveled in each other’s company. Once again, I found myself falling deeply in love with him.
Tears streamed down my face when the time came for him to depart for New York as I bid him farewell with a heavy heart. He promised to visit whenever possible and eagerly awaited those moments when we could be together again and have fun like old times.
Initially, he did not show up as promised, leading me to believe he was preoccupied. Over time, I gradually forgot about it. But then out of the blue, a lawyer from New York called and broke the news that he had tragically died in a car accident on his way to the airport. Dealing with the extensive legal matters left me deeply saddened and my heart shattered. These unexpected events shocked me and finally unveiled the reasons for his absence on that day.
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Once again, my heart was shattered, and that night I wept tears of sorrow and pain. I questioned why fate would bring such misfortune upon a genuinely good person like him. Gathering my belongings, I traveled to New York for the reading of his will. As expected, his family and ex-wife received their rightful shares. It was there that I finally met his ex-wife again since our last encounter at their wedding. She shared with me his true nature – always providing, yet perpetually unhappy. Despite her efforts to bring him joy, he remained as content as he had been on their wedding day. Among the bequeathed items was a diary, which was given to me. Tears flooded my eyes upon receiving it, leaving me with perplexity about why it was entrusted to me. Carrying it with me, I boarded my flight back to California. During my journey, memories of our cherished moments together resurfaced, compelling me to delve into the diary and uncover its contents.
The diary chronicles our first meeting and following that, my emotional response while reading it. It reveals his admission of falling in love with me on a day when I was heartbroken, yet he hesitated to confess his feelings, resulting in his reserved behavior and preference for listening to me. The diary depicts his desire to express himself numerous times but being overwhelmed by fear. It recounts his journey to New York where he found love with someone else. However, the happiest moment he experienced was seeing and dancing with me at a wedding, envisioning it as our own. He shares his perpetual unhappiness until he had no choice but to end his marriage. Moreover, he highlights the immense joy he derived from reading the letters I wrote to him, considering it the best time of his life.
Finally, the diary concluded with the statement, “today I will tell her I love her,” which sadly turned out to be the day he was killed. It was the long-awaited moment when I would discover his true feelings. This experience serves as a poignant reminder not to delay expressing love to someone. There is no guarantee that the next day will ever arrive.
