In his popular book, “The 5 Love Languages,” Gary Chapman challenges the belief that French is the most romantic language and offers an alternative perspective. As the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc., Chapman has revitalized love in countless marriages worldwide by revealing five distinct languages used by successful couples to convey their love. Through understanding and utilizing their partner’s preferred language, these couples exhibit a priceless love through daily affectionate gestures.
Chapman identifies five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. In his book, he guides couples on utilizing these languages to build enduring love in their marriage. Chapman begins by introducing the idea of an emotional love tank that we all have. As humans, we have an inherent desire to be intimately understood and cherished by another person. When this need remains unfulfilled and leads to feelings of isolation, it can significantly impact our overall well-being.
Marriage is intended to satisfy the emotional need, commonly known as the “love tank”. The Bible mentions this concept when it discusses the unity of husband and wife becoming “one flesh”. Chapman further explains that understanding and applying the following love languages can assist couples in ensuring that their partner’s love tank remains full (pages 19-24). The initial love language explored by Chapman is words of affirmation, which involves expressing emotional love through positive language. Encouraging words, kind words, and humble words are all effective means of expressing love. Encouraging words are intended to inspire courage.
We all have untapped potential that may be hindered by insecurities, preventing our spouses from pursuing their passions. By expressing belief in their abilities, you can provide the encouragement they need. Love is also synonymous with kindness, which is reflected in our words. Oftentimes, our words may convey one thing while our tone betrays a different sentiment. It is crucial to always bear in mind that “a soft answer turns away anger.” Additionally, kindness can be demonstrated through forgiveness. Love does not keep a record of wrongs, emphasizing the importance of committing to mercy and not harboring resentment towards our partners.
One way to express love through words of affirmation is by using humble language. It is important to understand and communicate each other’s desires in a loving manner rather than making demands. By expressing your desires as requests, you allow your spouse to choose to love you. If your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation, you can speak highly of them to others when they are not present, express your appreciation for them, and write love letters to them (pages 37-50). Quality time is the second love language and involves giving undivided attention, engaging in conversation, and actively listening.
Living with your spouse and sharing a room is insufficient. Quality time is necessary, devoid of distractions. It entails concentrated attention and meaningful conversation. This implies engaging in sympathetic dialogue, where experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires are shared without disruptions. When a spouse feels loved through quality time, they desire conversing with you. Genuine interest in comprehending their thoughts, feelings, and hopes prompts listening sympathetically and asking them questions. (pages 55-70)
The third love language is receiving gifts. Dr. Chapman discovered through his global travels and examination of cultural patterns that giving gifts is a universal aspect of the love-marriage process. In our own culture, the wedding ring serves as a symbol of eternal commitment. The gifts themselves represent the thoughts invested in them, regardless of their monetary value. It is not solely about the thought behind the gift; rather, it is the act of expressing and solidifying love through the gift.
If your spouse’s love language is receiving gifts, it’s important to remember that buying gifts for them is a valuable investment. (pages 75-86) Acts of Service is another love language discussed by Chapman in the book. It involves performing tasks that you know your spouse wants you to do. By serving them and completing tasks for them, you show your love and seek to please them. Acts of service require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. It’s important to approach these acts of love with a positive mindset.
It is not proper to force someone to do these things, as love should always be given freely and cannot be demanded. It is better to ask for things from each other instead. As Chapman explains, “Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love” (pages 91-104). The final love language is physical touch, which can greatly impact a marriage – it can either make it amazing or destroy it. Physical touch has the power to communicate both hate and love, and for those whose primary love language is physical touch, its message can hold more meaning than words like “I hate you” or “I love you.” In marriage, physical touch can take various forms. Touch receptors are spread throughout the body, so any loving touch can be an expression of love. However, not all touches are equal. It is crucial to understand and speak your spouse’s love dialect in order to know what type of touch makes them feel the most loved. The touches can range from explicit acts that require attention and time, like intercourse, to implicit gestures that only take a moment, like a shoulder rub (pages 109-119).
Here is a concise overview of the advice and insight Gary Chapman provides on the five love languages. The book contains numerous stories, personal experiences, and additional ideas that I cannot fully elaborate on. I highly recommend reading this book, even if you are single and not interested in marriage, as you can still apply its principles to your life. Utilizing love languages can be beneficial in all your relationships, not just romantic ones. After reading this book, I contemplated the dynamics within my own family and how it could be relevant. In our house, my father is outnumbered.
Despite being blessed with a loving wife and two daughters, it can sometimes be challenging for him to be the only man in the family. Nevertheless, we all deeply care for each other, albeit occasional familial disagreements occur. Upon reflecting on the concept of love languages, I realized that most of our arguments stem from a failure to express our love in each other’s primary languages. For my father, acts of service are his love language. He feels most valued when we undertake tasks such as doing his laundry, cooking dinner, and maintaining a clean home without being prompted. On the other hand, my mother, sister, and I all resonate with the language of words of affirmation.
Despite our good work on chores, my Father often fails to acknowledge it. Instead, he provides us with suggestions for improvement, believing that he is assisting and expressing his love for us. However, all we truly desire is to hear words of gratitude. When he neglects to thank us, it causes us to become weary of doing things for him. This subsequently leads him to feel unloved, just as we feel unloved when he critiques our work. If we girls focused on serving Dad out of love for him and if Dad concentrated on praising our efforts when we performed well, then all of us would experience complete love and happiness.
We have recognized in recent years that this issue belongs to us and are making strides in addressing it. Despite occasional disagreements, we are a content family and I cannot fathom existence without them. I am certain that through reading this book and implementing its principles into my own family, I will be better equipped for future matrimony. My aspiration and supplication is to become adept at communicating in my prospective husband’s love language, resulting in an enduring marriage that honors God. However, there is one aspect Dr. Chapman did not mention – every husband should also possess fluency in the language of “yes ma’am.”
