What I am about to show you will haunt you for the rest of the day. It is one of the most dangerous and frightening creatures out there.
It has moles, hair loss, and occasional cellulite sagging from its leg. What is this terrible creature I am describing? Well, it is one that you see every day at school. No, no, not your biology teacher. Heh, heh, I crack myself up… The Lunchroom Monster! LRM for short.
Everyone has at least one prowling inside their school walls, and they can be terribly, terribly horrifying.They can make any student’s daily lunch scarier than that part in Paranormal Activity that wasn’t even scary! They can make it more horrifying than finding out Justin Bieber is actually 16, not 5! We want to make sure you’re fully prepared to encounter this one-of-a-kind beast, so we shall assist you by classifying the different subspecies of LRM, such as the junky Janitorius, the cranky Cashierian, and, worst of all, the loopy Lunchladyus. I. Our first subspecies of the lunchroom monster is the Janitorius, also called janitor for short.
It is thought that the lunchroom janitor is possibly an endangered species. That is because when it’s time for the annual Shiny New Trashcan Sale at Lowes, all the janitors travel to their local Lowes store and eat each other (yes, eat each other, go cannibal) for that fancy $200 trashcan (man, I never knew there were trashcans that expensive) that’s on sale for only $100! The United States alone loses 15,000 janitorii to this event annually. Yes, janitors and their trashcans form about as big of a bond as Tiger Woods and his mistresses. unsure face) It is common to see them hovering around the trashcans in the lunchroom.
They’re very protective of those oh so precious trashcans. Now, one thing you don’t want to do while one of these creatures is around protecting their trashcans is bang…your tray…against…the can! To put this in perspective, say you are in the wilderness, and you see a mama bear and a couple of baby bears. Now, take a tray that you eat lunch on, and smack one of the baby bears across the face so that you can clear the tray without having to swipe it with your fork.Yeah, same thing here.
Those trashcans are the janitors’ babies! They birthed those things, fed them, clothed them, cleaned them, and raised them to be the big trashcans they are today! The next thing you need to know to be able to notice these…things…is their appearance. They typically look like hobos, wearing saggy, baggy clothing, and will drag around random pieces of cardboard or the ghetto brand paper sack through the hallways. They will creep around through the halls, typically waddling with their backs hunched over their shoulders.They usually sport a very nice pair of huge psychadellic eyeglasses from the 70s that my grandma stopped wearing twenty years ago.
And, the one thing that officially will classify them as a janitorius: when you attempt to nicely say hi to one of them, they will hang their head, slightly glaring at you, and walk right past you without saying a word. II. Although the janitorius is slightly dangerous, we must move on to our next subspecies. Does your lunchroom cashier seem cranky or lazy every single day? Do they have weird obsessions with taxidermy and Oprah Winfrey?If so, every day in the lunchroom, you stand inches away from the Cashierian, called cashier for short.
The cashierian is almost extinct, because they are all very protective of their position. If another tries to steal one’s spot at the end of the lunch line, charging people for taking government-issued food that tastes like foot fungus, then the one already in the position will go KAH-RAH-TAY on everyone…or simply, as with the janitorius, eat them. One way a cashierian can be characterized is by their behavior about the job they have to do.How much work does a lunchroom cashier do? Well, they mark down your name whenever you go through the line, and occasionally mark you down twice because they are usually enthralled while reading the newest romance novel by Nicholas Sparks that they have been dying to get their hands on! It may not seem like much work, marking down names, charging people for … as mentioned before … disgusting food.
But to them, it is SLAVEWORK! Considering the typical cashierian is three tons too big, moving that pen around loses an entire one hundred calories a day! gasp) Oh my word, butter me up and call me a biscuit! You moved your hand?? Sheesh, might as well call you Jillian Michaels! Now, while you’re waiting to move through the line so you can just eat your food already, don’t try to rush or leave the line before the cashierian marks your name down.That is like a federal crime to a cashierian! “HEY! YOU GET BACK HERE NOW! I NEED TO MARK YOUR NAME DOWN! IT’S A HARD ENOUGH JOB JUST MOVING MY HAND! Oh, did she just say she loved him? (gasp)” I loved my impersonation. Didn’t you love it? I loved it. III.
So far, we have informed you about the mysterious janitorius, and the cranky cashierian, but nothing today has prepared you for the creature which I am about to reveal. It’s mean, nasty, and unsanitary. It’s the creepiest, crawliest creature around. It’s got long waxy ears, an oddly shaped nose, and wrinkled-up face.
It kind of resembles a combination of the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz and Joan Rivers… I present to you…the most violent of all LRM subspecies.
THE LUNCHLADYUS. DUN DUN DUN! Don’t you just admit that was freaking EPIC?? The lunchladyus, lunchlady for short, is the worst person lurking around the walls of the cafeteria.It can be noticed by its horrifying appearance. Big nose, huge hairy moles (moley moley moley), and just anything that can freak people out.
They are the most impatient of all LRM species, not to mention the rudest. “So, kid, ya want goulash o’ ya want smashed potatas? (sighs) I said, goulash o’ smashed potatas?? (gurs) Well, kid, ya don’ wanna answa, huh? Guess it’s smashed potatas fo ya! ” And with an unworldly growl, she picks up her wooden scooper that was made by her ancestor gypsies in the 1400s, and plops down a big goo of what is known as “smashed potatas. ”The only good day for a lunchladyus is inspection day…or so it seems like. On inspection day, the lights will actually be turned up to full brightness, there won’t be a fly in the entire building, and the food will actually be halfway decent.
Also on this very special holiday, the lunchady will finally wear a hairnet! No longer will you find random pieces of hairs lying in the core of your brownie, or in the meat of your burrito. Then the next day, all the happiness will be snatched away from the cafeteria, and everything will return to “So, kid, ya want goulash o’ ya want smashed potatas? ”But, the worst trait of the lunchladyus is their ability to make a meal sound tasty! Turkey tetrazini? Hmm, sounds fancy! Nope…you’ll actually be getting a full earning of tuna noodle cassarole from the first Friday of lent. Sub sandwiches? Yummy! Uh-uh…you’ll be receiving a piece of ghetto brand bologna and cheese sticks slapped together on a hot dog bun. And their worst, worst trait is the ability to disguise the disgusting food they’ll be serving that expired on June 29, 1949.
Yes, this moldy, stinky, and expired glob of food you receive is the monthly Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday Surprise.You have to give the lunchladies credit. They got the surprise part right… ConcNow that you have a full dosage of knowledge on the Lunchroom Monsters, I hope you’ll be able to use any form of protection possible! Remember, these are very dangerous, perilous creatures that should be treated with care…if they want to be. If you ever trouble one of these, you could probably use your tray as a makeshift shield if needed…but it’s best to just not tick one of these things off.
Now that you know what really goes on in the cafeteria, do you wanna go back?