My name is Elle Manor and this is my freshman experience, I know that there are definitely people who have been in the same position as me. It is such a taboo topic and that is exactly why I am talking about my story, a lot of people struggle with it. I noticed that the girl I saw in the mirror was not the same girl that everyone else saw. When school started, I was in a good friend group, my confidence was pretty high and I didn’t feel pressured to change at all. I had just started a new season of dance and I felt comfortable, it had always been a passion of mine. My relationship with my mom, Valeria Manor; and my dad, Jacob Manor; was good and we were getting along. But my friends started getting into more arguments and we started splitting up, and I was torn between friends and had to choose between them as school progressed.
Meanwhile, my grades were struggling and it was getting harder to focus in class, I felt as if I were in a trance making me feel depressed. Subjects that I would usually be good with weren’t connecting well in my brain. My mom kept on getting notices that I had E’s in classes. I would get my phone taken away and not be allowed to go out with friends for failing quizzes and tests. My phone would comfort me and stab me in the back (personification). It would lift me up and throw me back to the ground like I was nothing. I would be scrolling down feed to see all these captions saying: “How to thin your thighs” or “shave the belly fat with this AMAZING trick.” Every other post was about losing weight and then how “body positivity is important for your well-being.” It was so confusing and made me sick of not only these social media platforms but myself. It was almost like a game of chess, it would find your weakness and use it against you (simile). One day I was outside our house harvesting some tomatoes with my mom. I told her about how P.E. had been helping me stay fit and trim.
My mom told me that I needed to lose weight and lose my belly fat. She made me look at myself in the mirror differently. I started eating less and exercising more. Dance became more of an exercise to lose weight than a passion. I would weigh myself every single day and let the number on the scale taunt me every day, even in my dreams. I would just shut down and blank out for hours, making my body a big part of my mindset. My skin was pale and I always looked tired. I stopped wearing clothing that would expose my body and started wearing baggy sweaters and sweatpants. I would deprive myself of things and characteristics that people knew me for like eating in every class or always having the heaviest lunchbox. I was a human food truck. Junk food became my enemy I never ate it, even if it was for dinner; I would go to bed with an apple and some water.
My dad started noticing that I wasn’t eating as much. One night after struggling with homework, he asked me why I wasn’t eating as much and why I always looked drained and tired. I just started crying and asked him if I looked fat. He stood me up and gave me the biggest hug I think I had ever received from him. He looked at me and replied, “no”. He said that I shouldn’t let my mom’s opinion, or social media’s “body goals” get into my head and said that I was beautiful just the way I was. He kissed me on the forehead and told me to go to bed. I will never forget that moment, it changed my life. In the locker room a few weeks later, my friend Kayla started complaining about how she hated her body and loved mine. I told her that I was so confused because I always wanted her image, her abs, and her trim thighs. She got mad at me and told me that all her friends say that if they could trade bodies, they would trade with me. Soon, we were talking about how my mom didn’t like my body and about my eating problems.
She started looking concerned and told me that if I didn’t stop with my eating habits, I would always remain the fat girl in the mirror. After those conversations with my dad and Kayla, I made it part of my routine to tell myself I was beautiful and looked at myself in the mirror. Over the months, I realized that there was no problem with me to begin with. I started eating and enjoying meals. I started wearing clothes that I had avoided wearing because they showed my body. I started smiling more and being more encouraging towards people and felt like I was more positive than I had ever been. I started going shopping for jeans and tops that were nice instead of wearing the same clothes every day. Whenever my mom would make comments, I would tell her that I thought I was beautiful and keep my head up. My grades started improving and I felt myself getting mentally stable again.
I still have work to do, but I feel better. I had the courage to tell my mom how she made me feel. She started being more supportive and helped me reach my goals, we would go to the gym to exercise and bond, not to lose weight. I believe that you should see yourself and see beauty, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t room for improvement. My parents even told me when we were alone a few weeks before the fourth quarter started that they were proud of how far I had come in my growth confidence-wise and as a person. My story definitely has a more positive ending to eating disorders, but because of that, I am grateful. Confidence is something that only you can find for yourself, others can only give you encouraging words to guide you in the right direction.
