My Current Perspective
The story of my life will pass a great inspirational story. From being nobody to somebody; being at the bottom now striving to reach the top; and from being a loser to a sure winner. This was me. This is me. The story of my life now being revealed, not to boast but to encourage; not to be pitied but to be a source of strength; and not to be idolized but to serve as an inspiration to those who are already hopeless and helpless. My life is a bit complicated to describe with. It’s characterized by many ups and downs. But I am a champion! I have stood the greatest ordeals of my life. “Champion,” this is the first word to describe me.
The other words are “bright,” “intelligent,” and “goal motivated.” In 1985, I had landed a good job. I was an excellent employee. I was an asset for I made sure my outputs were of class and high quality. But it did not last for my depression was too deep that I was not able to keep my focus on my job. Yet those fruitful years of work will prove that I have the potential to become a great somebody someday. Now that I am being treated for my severe chronic depression with psychotic features and for alcoholism, I believe I can surpass my performance before.
In my desire to reach the hopeless and helpless, I accept speaking engagements in hospitals and institutions to disseminate the information about how important our lives are. My true-to-life experiences are backed up by my lessons in schooling. I am currently earning my certification as an alcohol and drug counselor. And I’m proud to say that I am maintaining a B+ average.
Now that I’m getting into the right track again, another part of my live that I was not successful before is marriage. I had two wives. Both relationships obviously did not last. So aside from schooling, finding a lasting relationship is my other goal. I believe the best is yet to come. When she comes into my life, I make sure I’ll do better this time.
My Emotional History
My family, friends, job, and accomplishments give purpose and sense of contentment in my life. I’m glad that everything is getting back into place and things and situations are really doing well now. Before, my life was dominated by trouble and stressful events. These made me a victim of depression, the biggest emotional struggle I have.
As depression started to build up, I also started to “experiment” on drugs and alcohol. I have just proven that drugs made me feel “high.” But these were not able to heal my depression. In fact, they aggravated my depression. I then smoke. With all these things happening in my life, I had attempted to kill myself. I thank God that my attempts never succeeded! I submitted to different rehabilitation programs and treatments. But since drugs, alcoholic drinks, and cigarettes were not the true problem, I was never healed. The root of the program was still intact.
I thought being married will make heal my depression. I was wrong. My first marriage lasted for six years only. I got married for the second time, and got divorced the second time, too. This was how emotionally unstable I was then. I could not find what I am looking for. So none of my relationships then was successful. I was looking for someone
Like what I have written earlier, I had a good job. I thought that having a successful career will solve my depression. At the peak of my success in my job, I even started my own business. Like what happened in my marriage, this business did not last.
These “series of unfortunate events” were results of my uncured depression. I was not able to think right, to work right, and to act right. Thus, my marriage, my job, my business, my car, my home, and most especially my self respect were gone.
The next thing I did was to move in with my very sick mother. After six months, my mother died of diabetes and cancer. Worst, my name was not included in the property lease of my mother, so I had to move out again.
During the “dark ages” of my life, I never feel contented. This is the very reason I am correcting my life now because I don’t want to become depressed as I advanced in years. In my current state now, I already feel the meaning of the word contentment. My job, schooling, and going out with friends make me feel contented. I am satisfied now in the way my life is heading. And this is a good sign.
I never thought I could still enjoy life. My feeling of hopelessness and helplessness were so intense that I almost give up (as proven by my suicide attempts). I feel fulfilled as an alcohol and drug counselor. Since many people have helped me restore my life, I am very much willing to help those who are experiencing the uncomfortable life brought about by addiction to alcohol and drugs.
I also enjoy my schooling now because the people surrounding me are of great help for my betterment. Another thing, I want to experience now what I have failed to experience when I was subjected to deep depression.
My Cognition
I admit that I made bad choices in my life. I was unable to make wise decisions earlier. I was not able to control the situation that almost put into actions my suicidal thoughts. I got hook with alcohol, drugs, and smoking. I didn’t realize how much these things can ruin my life. My decision to quit from these addictions was definitely a very rational decision I’ve done in my life. I’m glad that right now as I commit myself not to take drugs and alcohol anymore it makes me think of better things to do with my life. Helping myself to combat my emotional problems is a good decision I made. The last time I decided to stop drinking and taking alcohol was the last time I ever tasted these. Together with an intense desire and a very rational decision-making process, I am walking my way to the correct path.
Part of my decision is to take my medications seriously and to participate in the rehabilitation programs wholeheartedly. I am also enrolled now in an institution that helps me get healed. My personal experiences would be of great help in my schooling.
My eyes were long blinded by alcohol and drugs. I have been in the wrong path for quiet some time as reflected by my life. I have wanted to get out but too weak to do so. I have wanted to quit but my addiction is too intense that I felt like dying if I stop. More so, my real problem, which is depression, was not given appropriate attention.
Acceptance and cognition that I have a problem, a big one, draw the line to change my live. After seeing the institution that could help me, I submitted myself to treatment and medication for my depression. The long wait is finally over.
My Personality
I took the Big Five personality test to assess my development. This online personality test focuses on the OCEAN model of personality. I was a bit surprise at this personality test as it revealed information regarding my personality.
Openness to Experience/Intellect
The result described me as the conventional type. I may not be as open-minded as possible to new ideas. I think changes make me uncomfortable. Constant changes can bother me. I tend to stick to the common and be less creative with my choices. I’m afraid of trying and do many things.
Conscientiousness
The result showed that I’m neither organized nor disorganized. I’m not that so organized but I’m not negligent either. This test is a good tool for helping me improve myself. With my “new” life, I’ll be as organize as possible.
Extraversion
As a result of my depression, I tend to move away from people. I had a wall around me. I’m scared to ask the whereabouts and whatabouts of others. This personality test revealed that I enjoy spending quiet time alone. In fact, depression set in when I thought no one was around to help me.
Agreeableness
The results say that I find it easy to express irritation with others. Well it’s true. Under the influence of alcohol, I easily lost my temper.
Neuroticism
I’m neither particularly nervous nor calm. I have both tendencies to be nervous and calm. I’m not safe to worrying but its good I know how to be cool and relax.
Conclusion
Self discovery for me is a lifelong journey. Sometimes it is our own self that is more difficult to understand. We always faced unexpected changes in life and that’s what really makes it unpredictable. All of my choices and decisions affected my life right now. I consider myself as the product of all the years of my experiences. I look back at all the aspects of my life whether physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially, and spiritually and see if I have made considerable progress.
I have visions and purpose now with my life. I set new goals for myself which I want to achieve soon. I’m excited with what my life brings and will bring in this another chance. I’m more different now as I used to be years ago. I’m moving forward towards achieving my goals. It’s like I’m running a race. I used to stumble many, many times, decided to quit and not finish the race but right now I believe I’m stronger. I’m back on the race track and determine to reach the finish line.
I consider myself fortunate enough. Some we’re not given a second chance to patch things up in their lives. I’m happy because there are people who never leave me during my ordeal.
Before I used to be very negative about myself, I lose hope but now I was able to see the purpose behind all that had happened and is happening to me. God has much better plan for my life. The enemy wants to kill, steal, and destroy. He used drugs, alcohol, and depression to steal my life. But now I believe God can turn all my mistakes into miracles, miracle of changing lives and restoring hope.
I could not have changed without my sister’s help. She’s always there for me to render assistance. Without her encouraging words, I could have been living the depressed life still. All things work together for good. Now I have learned my lessons. After I secure my certification as an alcohol and drug counselor, I will share the lessons that I have learned to those who are in need.
Life is not about enjoyment alone. Life is a process of learning and unlearning. Learning the things that will help us grow and unlearning the things that are not essential to living. Life is the best gift of God to us. Let’s use it wisely!
